Heroin AM


Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

[Starts with Kate passing her kids lunch boxes]

Kate: There we go sweeties.

[the kids walk away.]

I’m a mom. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t like to have fun.

[Cut to Beck driving children around]

Beck: I drive a mini-van, but I can let loose a little too.

[Cut to Julia sitting with her kid]

Julia: I wanna use heroine, but I also wanna get stuff done. That’s I reach for [showing the box] Heroine AM. The only non-drowsy heroin on the market so I can get jacked on scag and then get to work.

[Cut to Beck in the football field]

Beck: When I’ve been called timeout to inject black tar heroin, there was almost stigma about it. But with Heroin AM, I’m almost more alert than if I weren’t on heroin.

[Cut to a video showing graphs]

Female voice: Heroin use in America is steadily on the rise. But productivity among heroin users has remained stagnant.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: That’s why Heroin AM combines heroin with five milligrams of caffein and a small pile of cocaine.

[Cut to Julia]

Julia: And now available in gummy bears which you can melt down and inject.

Female voice: Side effects include: It’s heroin, so all that stuff.

[Cut to Julia with her kid]

Julia: So now I can chase a dragon while I also chase this little guy.

[playing with her son]

I’m gonna get ya’.

[her son runs to his father]

Dad: Wow, this might be the first afternoon mom doesn’t need a nap. [laughing] [Cut to Julia laughing] [Cut to Julia seeing her kid and her husband as monsters laughing] [Cut to Julia laughing like a mad person and her kid and husband looking at her concerned.]

Female voice: Heroin AM, from the makers of Cocaine PM.

[Cut to Julia on a driver’s seat]

Julia: I went from nodding off to nodding yes to more heroin. [looking at the rear-view mirror] Now who’s ready for school?

[Cut to a bus full of kids]

Kids: Yes!

[The End]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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