Hillary and Bernie Cold Open

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Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Hillary Clinton having a drink at the bar booth]

Hillary Clinton: Well bartender, I’ve done it. I’ve won the nomination. I mean, no I haven’t. I keep losing states but mathematically, I’ve done it. To math! [Hillary Clinton finishes her drink] Aright, I think I’m gonna head home. Don’t you work too late now.

Bartender: Oh, I won’t, Mrs. Clinton. I’m actually closing up the bar right now. So, everybody’s got to go. It means you too sir.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, Bartender and Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders is sitting far away on the sofa.]

Bernie Sanders: No freaking way! I’m not going anywhere. I can stay here as long as I want.

Bartender: Senator Sanders, I’m sorry but the night is over.

Bernie Sanders: No! No, it’s not over. It’s not over till I say it’s over.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, hello Bernie. I didn’t see you sitting behind me. So far behind me, you could never catch up.

[Bernie Sanders walks up to Hillary Clinton]

Bernie Sanders: Oh, shut up. You saw me. You even see me in your sleep, baby. Because I’m your worst nightmare.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, please! My worst nightmare is mandatory spa day and you know it.

Bernie Sanders: Mine is waiting over an hour at Lens Crafters. 

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Oh, Bernie. It’s always so just fine to see you. I love you suit by the way. Looks old.

Bernie Sanders: And I love your suit. Looks like you were elected to the galactic council. 

Hillary Clinton: Excuse me bartender, do you mind if I just have one more drink with my old, very old, kind of dangerously old friend Bernie?

Bartender: Sure Mrs. Clinton. What can I get for you two?

Bernie Sanders: I’ll have a beer. A new brand that people love flocking to. Something refreshing and revolutionary. Something that draws huge crowds.

Hillary Clinton: And I’ll have whatever beer no one likes but gets the job done. [to Bernie] Oh Bernie, you should be proud, you know? You ran a damn good campaign.

Bernie Sanders: I am running a good campaign.

Hillary Clinton: But don’t worry. I promise I’m gonna have a very special role for you in my administration. How would you like to be… wait for it, the senator from Vermont?

Bernie Sanders: Ha-ha. Oh Hillary, I’ll miss that lack of charm. 

Hillary Clinton: I’ll miss your deal too. But I have to move on. And that’s why I’ve started pivoting to the general.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. I gotta say I have noticed the pivot. Not a fan of the pivot. Way too early for the pivot.

Hillary Clinton: Why do you keep saying pivot? What is that?

[Bartender comes in]

Bartender: Here are your drinks. And who’s bill should I put this on?

Bernie Sanders: Her’s.

Hillary Clinton: Mine. Well Bernie, no matter what happens, we got to admit we’ve had some good times, you and I.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, it’s true. Remember when I told everyone to stop talking about your damn emails? What a smuck!

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha. I know. That could have taken me down.

Bernie Sanders: I know. I know. I’m so stupid. So stupid.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I do not like humor but that was funny. Oh my god, and remember all those states like, why you made me worried. Where you beat me by a lot but then I still got most of the delegates?

Bernie Sanders: [laughing] Oh my god, that was so stupid. It’s rigged!

Hillary Clinton: I know it’s so rigged.

Bernie Sanders: Oh, my god! [raises his drink] To Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Hillary Clinton: [raising her drink] To Debbie. Whoo!

Bernie Sanders: Listen Hillary, this might be the beer talking but I’ll tell you a secret.

Hillary Clinton: Okay.

Bernie Sanders: You know how I constantly rail against the upper class?

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bernie Sanders: Well, sometimes when I go to sleep at night, I dream about being a fancy millionaire or billionaire.

Hillary Clinton: Really?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. And in my dream, I wear a fancy hat. I say fancy things like, “I’ll have a tuna sandwich on a Kwasa.”

Hillary Clinton: Can I tell you a secret?

Bernie Sanders: Sure.

Hillary Clinton: I’ve never told to anyone this but you know the presidency?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah.

Hillary Clinton: I really, really want it.

[Bernie Sanders looks at Hillary Clinton confused]

Bernie Sanders: You don’t say.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah. And you know what else? I don’t really like people. I only talk to them because I want to be the president so bad. Please don’t tell. Don’t tell.

Bernie Sanders: Eee, I think they know.

Hillary Clinton: Oh Bernie, you know, we are mortal enemies but [music playing] I really admire you. So what do you say? Will you dance with me?

Bernie Sanders: Pfft! I- I can’t dance with you.

Hillary Clinton: I’ll give you three super delegates.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, let’s dance. Yeah.

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders stand and start dancing]

And I’ll lead.

Hillary Clinton: Never!

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders goes around dancing on SNL stage and to the hallways. Bernie Sanders is dancing like a lady and Hillary Clinton is dancing like a gentleman.]

[They run into Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: Hey Hillary, may I cut in?

Bernie Sanders: Nah! See you Bill.

[Hillary Clinton pushes Bernie Sanders into the elevator as they are dancing on purpose and locks him there.]

[Hillary Clinton is with SNL cast members]

Hillary Clinton: Well that was fun at last.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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