Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon
Bartender… Kenan Thompson
Bernie Sanders… Larry David
[Starts with Hillary Clinton having a drink at the bar booth]
Hillary Clinton: Well bartender, I’ve done it. I’ve won the nomination. I mean, no I haven’t. I keep losing states but mathematically, I’ve done it. To math! [Hillary Clinton finishes her drink] Aright, I think I’m gonna head home. Don’t you work too late now.
Bartender: Oh, I won’t, Mrs. Clinton. I’m actually closing up the bar right now. So, everybody’s got to go. It means you too sir.
[Cut to Hillary Clinton, Bartender and Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders is sitting far away on the sofa.]
Bernie Sanders: No freaking way! I’m not going anywhere. I can stay here as long as I want.
Bartender: Senator Sanders, I’m sorry but the night is over.
Bernie Sanders: No! No, it’s not over. It’s not over till I say it’s over.
Hillary Clinton: Oh, hello Bernie. I didn’t see you sitting behind me. So far behind me, you could never catch up.
[Bernie Sanders walks up to Hillary Clinton]
Bernie Sanders: Oh, shut up. You saw me. You even see me in your sleep, baby. Because I’m your worst nightmare.
Hillary Clinton: Oh, please! My worst nightmare is mandatory spa day and you know it.
Bernie Sanders: Mine is waiting over an hour at Lens Crafters.
Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Oh, Bernie. It’s always so just fine to see you. I love you suit by the way. Looks old.
Bernie Sanders: And I love your suit. Looks like you were elected to the galactic council.
Hillary Clinton: Excuse me bartender, do you mind if I just have one more drink with my old, very old, kind of dangerously old friend Bernie?
Bartender: Sure Mrs. Clinton. What can I get for you two?
Bernie Sanders: I’ll have a beer. A new brand that people love flocking to. Something refreshing and revolutionary. Something that draws huge crowds.
Hillary Clinton: And I’ll have whatever beer no one likes but gets the job done. [to Bernie] Oh Bernie, you should be proud, you know? You ran a damn good campaign.
Bernie Sanders: I am running a good campaign.
Hillary Clinton: But don’t worry. I promise I’m gonna have a very special role for you in my administration. How would you like to be… wait for it, the senator from Vermont?
Bernie Sanders: Ha-ha. Oh Hillary, I’ll miss that lack of charm.
Hillary Clinton: I’ll miss your deal too. But I have to move on. And that’s why I’ve started pivoting to the general.
Bernie Sanders: Yeah. I gotta say I have noticed the pivot. Not a fan of the pivot. Way too early for the pivot.
Hillary Clinton: Why do you keep saying pivot? What is that?
[Bartender comes in]
Bartender: Here are your drinks. And who’s bill should I put this on?
Bernie Sanders: Her’s.
Hillary Clinton: Mine. Well Bernie, no matter what happens, we got to admit we’ve had some good times, you and I.
Bernie Sanders: Yeah, it’s true. Remember when I told everyone to stop talking about your damn emails? What a smuck!
Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha. I know. That could have taken me down.
Bernie Sanders: I know. I know. I’m so stupid. So stupid.
Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I do not like humor but that was funny. Oh my god, and remember all those states like, why you made me worried. Where you beat me by a lot but then I still got most of the delegates?
Bernie Sanders: [laughing] Oh my god, that was so stupid. It’s rigged!
Hillary Clinton: I know it’s so rigged.
Bernie Sanders: Oh, my god! [raises his drink] To Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
Hillary Clinton: [raising her drink] To Debbie. Whoo!
Bernie Sanders: Listen Hillary, this might be the beer talking but I’ll tell you a secret.
Hillary Clinton: Okay.
Bernie Sanders: You know how I constantly rail against the upper class?
Hillary Clinton: Yes.
Bernie Sanders: Well, sometimes when I go to sleep at night, I dream about being a fancy millionaire or billionaire.
Hillary Clinton: Really?
Bernie Sanders: Yeah. And in my dream, I wear a fancy hat. I say fancy things like, “I’ll have a tuna sandwich on a Kwasa.”
Hillary Clinton: Can I tell you a secret?
Bernie Sanders: Sure.
Hillary Clinton: I’ve never told to anyone this but you know the presidency?
Bernie Sanders: Yeah.
Hillary Clinton: I really, really want it.
[Bernie Sanders looks at Hillary Clinton confused]
Bernie Sanders: You don’t say.
Hillary Clinton: Yeah. And you know what else? I don’t really like people. I only talk to them because I want to be the president so bad. Please don’t tell. Don’t tell.
Bernie Sanders: Eee, I think they know.
Hillary Clinton: Oh Bernie, you know, we are mortal enemies but [music playing] I really admire you. So what do you say? Will you dance with me?
Bernie Sanders: Pfft! I- I can’t dance with you.
Hillary Clinton: I’ll give you three super delegates.
Bernie Sanders: Yeah, let’s dance. Yeah.
[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders stand and start dancing]
And I’ll lead.
Hillary Clinton: Never!
[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders goes around dancing on SNL stage and to the hallways. Bernie Sanders is dancing like a lady and Hillary Clinton is dancing like a gentleman.]
[They run into Bill Clinton]
Bill Clinton: Hey Hillary, may I cut in?
Bernie Sanders: Nah! See you Bill.
[Hillary Clinton pushes Bernie Sanders into the elevator as they are dancing on purpose and locks him there.]
[Hillary Clinton is with SNL cast members]
Hillary Clinton: Well that was fun at last.
All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night