Gabriel Balinia… Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Dana Balania Zonurela… Kate McKinnon
Audrina… Cecily Strong
Valencia… Aidy Bryant
Risabella… Vanessa Bayer
Gatzora… Sasheer Zamata
Antony… Nick Jonas
[Starts with Gabriel and Dana]
Gabriel: Hello, my name is Gabriel Balinia.
Dana: And I’m Dana Balania Zonurela.
Gabriel: Here in Long Island, the only thing as big as our dreams is our family.
Dana: And our god given breasts.
[laughing]
Gabriel: But more than that, our jewelry. That’s why we are the proud sister owners of Long Island zone ‘Huge Jewelry.’
Dana: Located in a beautiful strip mole of a Jergo Turn.
Gabriel: You know, Huge Jewelry.
Dana: Do you want people to notice you but don’t care if it’s good or bad?
Gabriel: Honestly, why wear jewelry unless you can see it from space?
Dana: Right?
Gabriel: Case in point, this exquisite destiny three piece modeled my my beautiful daughter, Audrina.
[Audrina walks in with her neck and cleavage covered with jewelry]
Oh, come on! Isn’t this piece of jewelry huge? And Huge as same as good. Audrina, how do you feel in that gorgeous piece of jewelry?
Audrina: It’s crushing my windpipe.
Dana: Gabriel, I gotta say it’s absolutely gorgeous.
Gabriel: Yeah.
Dana: Gorgeous girl. That body.
Gabriel: Oh, my daughter? Gorgeous body, gorgeous girl with bang.
Dana: I bet she gets spanked all the time.
Gabriel: Well, enjoy it well at last because–
Dana: Because it’s just like they say…
Gabriel and Dana: When the body goes, the jewelry grows.
Gabriel: Audrina, why don’t you tell the viewers at home a little bit about yourself?
Audrina: My name is Audrina. I am DanaGabriel. My dream is to be a doctor or I get paid to stay next to cars. My dad!
Gabriel: Yeah, good job honey. I’ll see you at home, I’m making stuff shells.
[Audrina leaves]
You like the dress by the way, oh my god! I bought it three AM on my iPad while I waited for my back medication to kick in.
Dana: Oh, how is your back?
Gabriel: Oh, it’s bad. But doctor says it’s because of my Huger Jewelry, but I think it’s stress.
Dana: It’s definitely stress. You do too much. And speaking of too much, look at this exquisite pendant earring from Fabina Marcos and God Sons.
[Valencia walks in wearing large earrings]
Modeled by my beautiful daughter, Valencia.
Gabriel: Valencia is wearing a full J drop earring complete with a patted in bologna earring shoulder brace.
Dana: Boring earrings hang from the ear. Huge earrings are elevated by the shoulder.
Valencia: Yeah. Because otherwise the earrings will rip your earlobes straight off.
Dana: Valencia!
Valencia: What? I should know. It happened to me. Didn’t have these shoulders do my gigs and my ear ripped right through.
Dana: The doctor glued it back together. What’s the big deal? Earlobes are like your liver. You don’t need it.
Valencia: Alright, am I done? Can I go out please?
Dana: Yes. I’m so proud of you. I love you.
[Valencia leaves]
Gabriel: Oh my god! Gorgeous. She’s absolutely breathtaking. Well, our next look is my absolute favorite Huge Jewelry. It’s the Faviana Kate Collection.
Dana: Oh! Modeled by my Gatzora Katziana.
Gabriel: And my niece, Risabella.
[Risabella and Gatzora walk in wearing a necklaces having large football size pearls hanging on them. Risabella is wearing it hanging in the front and Gatzora is wearing it hanging at the back.]
Risabella: Two ways.
Gatzora: One huge piece of jewelry.
Gabriel: You can rock the pearl in the front.
Dana: Or let your pearl just hang out in the back.
Gabriel: Come on! don’t they look gorgeous? And the necklaces are only $12, how do we do that?
Dana: They’re filled with dirt.
Gabriel: Great job girls. Now you can go.
Dana: Go!
[Risabella and Gatzora leave]
Gabriel: So come on down to Huge Jewelry and also, we do men. So, please welcome my god nephew Antony Marcos Prince Mortadella.
[Antony walks in wearing a chained board that has his name written on it]
Antony: Customizable jewelry! Also, you can put whatever you want on it.
Gabriel: I mean, when did you get so hot?
Dana: I know. He used to have pimples [showing different parts of her body] here, here, here.
Gabriel: Yeah. Well no. Not anymore. Is that necklace heavy for you Antony?
Antony: Nah! Nah, I’m pretty much jacked to the max.
Gabriel: Antony, when did you get so hot?
Antony: Last May.
Gabriel and Dana: Aw!
Male voice:H uge Jewelry in Massapequa, Long Island.
