Mr. Jenkins… John Cena
Joanne… Aidy Bryant
Cara… Cecily Strong
Leslie Jones[Starts with office colleagues preparing for Christmas party]
Mr. Jenkins: Okie-dokie gang. Start the Yankee Swap in a second. First, I want to thank Cara for getting us such a great tree this year. So, all we need is a volunteer to put this crazy little angel on top of that tree.
Joanne: Oh, I’ll do it Mr. Jenkins.
Mr. Jenkins: Joanne from accounts stepping up. Nice initiative. Here you go. Get it done.[Joanne stands on a chair to put the angel on top of the Christmas tree. The tree is in front of a window.]
Joanne: Oh, I’m a little excited.
Cara: Go, Joanne
All: Joanne! Joanne! Joanne!
Cara: Little higher Joanne.[Joanne falls out of the window with the Christmas tree.]
Mr. Jenkins: Did Joanne just fall off the frigging window?[Everyone goes to the window to take a look]
Cara: Oh my god!
Beck: We don’t even have the tree anymore.
Cara: Christmas is ruined.
Leslie: Look, there she is.[Joanne is hanging by the side of the window. She is still holding the tree.]
Joanne: Oh! Stupid Joanne. this is what you get for trying to step into spotlight. Guys, I’m not dead. Co-workers, I’m sorry. I’m not dead. I’m sorry for the drama earlier, but I’m out here.
Cara: Oh my god, Joanne. And she’s got the tree.
Beck: Everything’s going to be okay.
Leslie: And you saved the tree, girl.
Mr. Jenkins: Two for two on the initiative, Joanne.
Joanne: Okay, well, I think I’m losing my grip. I think I need to drop the tree.
Beck: Don’t do that Joanne. Without the tree, there’s no party.
Mr. Jenkins: We can save you both. I know it.
Cara: Alright, let’s bring the tree in first so we know we have it.
Joanne: Okay. Or could I suggest that we bring in my human body first?
Mr. Jenkins: Joanne, stop trying to control everything.
Cara: Alright, look, I have an idea. Joanne, start whipping that tree round, okay? Get a nice windmill action going. Then use that momentum to fly upwards through the window.
Joanne: Okay, I don’t think I can do that. This tree has got to go.
Beck: Don’t drop that tree, you frigging grinch! Okay, new plan. I’m going to pour this Monster energy drink in your mouth. YOu’re going to go all Popeye on us and throw that tree up to us like it’s nothing.
Joanne: Oh, please don”t do that.[Beck pours Monster energy drink all over Joanne’s face]
Leslie: It’s working! It’s working!
Joanne: No, it’s not working. It’s really only in my eyes. Please, Mr. Jenkins. Just pull me up. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever seen. I can see you muscles through your business shirt like every damn day. Just grab my wrist.
Mr. Jenkins: Love to, Joanne, but I can’t. I got in a lot of trouble around here for grabbing women’s wrists. But I do want to give you something. It’s a pair of women’s Isotoners. I got your name in the Yankee Swap.
Joanne: Oh, oh, thank you Mr. Jenkins. They’re really nice.
Beck: Okay, but here’s where Yankee Swap gets interesting. I’m gonna steal the women’s gloves and I’m going to give you the 30 pounds kettle bell that Felicia gave me.
Joanne: Oh, that will do it.[Joanne slips her hand and falls]
Cara: Oh, no! Well, we tried. Poor Joanne.
Beck: Poor tree as well.
Mr. Jenkins: Alright, somebody is going to have to scoop her off the sidewalk when the party’s done.
Leslie: I’ll do it. Just remind me.[Cut to Joanne falling down]
Joanne: [screaming] Ahhhhh!
Male voice: Ho, ho, ho, Joanne, it’s me.
Joanne: Santa, you’re here to save me?[Santa just takes the tree away]