Julia Louis-Dreyfus Monologue

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Tony Hale

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thank you. Thank you so very much. Oh my god. I’m thrilled to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. [sigh] This is my third time hosting. Yeah, but if I’m really being honest that number feels a little low. Don’t you think? I mean it’s all good. SNL is a second home to me. I’m sure you all remember but I started out on this show in 1982 with Eddie Murphy and Martin Short. Well, here is one of my greatest characters.

[Cut to a short old footage of Julia Louis-Dreyfus in SNL sketch] [Cut back to Julia Louis-Dreyfus] [cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much. After SNL, I was launched into a feature film career. In 1986, I scored the coveted role of Janet the Nymph in the classic movie ‘Troll’.

[Cut to a short footage of Julia Louis-Dreyfus from the movie Troll] [Cut back to Julia Louis-Dreyfus] [cheers and applause]

Thank you. But of course, Troll wasn’t the only movie I was in. I was also in a movie called Soul Man, which I would just love to show a clip of but I can’t because all of my scenes are with a man in black face.

[Cut to a picture of Soul Man movie’s poster. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is playing a black male character.] [Cut back to Julia Louis-Dreyfus

I know. I know. That seems weird. But please understand, it was the 80s and black face had only been considered racist for about 40 years. But now people really know me and instead of saying, “Hey, that’s the lady from Troll,” now they say, “Hey, that’s the weird lady from the old Navy commercials.” And now I’m on Veep. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. But folks, I want to take a moment and I want to apologize to the people of America for what’s going on in this election. You know, when we started doing our show, the idea of a presidential candidate being a cursing narcissistic buffoon was supposed to be a joke. So again, I am very sorry. I think we may have been responsible for the– f- f- f– uh-uh, I need the next card.

[Cut to the Tony Hale as a cue holder. He is holding a card that says “Because I think we were responsible” and is not moving on to the next card.]

I mean, what are you doing? My god! How hard is this? How f-ing hard is this Gerard?

Tony Hale: It’s Tony. But that’s–

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: No, it’s not.

Tony Hale: You’re right. You’re right. I just wanna say, [laughing] you’re doing a great job. You need to host the show every single week.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah. I know. I know. Now, go in with the cards, okay?

Tony Hale: Okay.

[Tony Hale leaves]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: We’ve got a great show. Nick Jonas is here so stick around, we’ll be right back.

[The End]