King Henry VIII… Russell Crowe
Tod… Bobby Moynihan
Dana… Cecily Strong
Jon: Henry VIII the experience. In a moment, an interactive hologram of his majesty will appear to answer your questions about his life and times. Without further due, his majesty.[A hologram appears] [visitors clapping]
King Henry VIII: Loyal subjects, I am king Henry VIII. I am remembered today for taking six wives none of whom gave me a male heir. Ah! But there is so much more to learn. So, ask me what you will.
Tod: Wow, this is so cool. Um, okay, what did you eat back then?
King Henry VIII: In my time, nobles feasted on banquets of roasted meats washed down with hearty ales.
Tod: Oh, thank you your highness. Ha-ha. Um, babe, ask him a question.
Vanessa: Okay. Um, how big was the castle?
King Henry VIII: Bear me a son.
Vanessa: Bear you a song?
King Henry VIII: [yelling] Bear me a son!
Vanessa: Tod, why is he doing this?
Tod: I mean, it’s historically accurate.
King Henry VIII: The only sounds I wish to hear from a woman’s mouth are the screams of labour as you bear me a son.
Vanessa: He’s spitting when he talks and there’s like hologram spit.
Tod: Wow. Technology, huh? You know, the next thing you now, we’ll be able to watch a movie on our phone.
Vanessa: Ah, Tod, you can already do that. Come on![Tod and Vanessa walk away]
King Henry VIII: Bear me a son or I’ll have your head![Dana and Taran walk in front of King Henry VIII]
Dana: My king, what was your relationship with Spain like?
King Henry VIII: Complicated. Bear me a son. Bear me a son, but bath first. You have a stench.
Dana: Urgh! This hologram is a pig. I’m going to the gift shop.
Taran: Okay. But please stop buying geodes, okay? Seriously Dana, they’re not rare.[Dana and Taran walk away]
King Henry VIII: Forget the bathing. I can tolerate your stench.[Beck walks in]
Beck: Um, hey. Hi. Sorry, hello.
King Henry VIII: Ha-ha. A fool! A fool amuses me! Dance for me. Dance for me with your enormous head.
King Henry VIII: Come on, you fool. You total fool.
King Henry VIII: You complete fool.
Beck: No, no. I’m not a fool. I have a lot of cool stuff going out. Thank you.[Beck leaves] [A group of ladies come in and walk in a line]
Sasheer: Okay, moms’ day out group. Just follow me. We’re gonna go through the exit.
King Henry VIII: [Looking at the women one by one] Bear me a son. Bear me a son. You. You. Bear me a son. Open your legs![The ladies walk away] [Kenan walks in]
And take my seed in your moist.
King Henry VIII: Ah, my god. A black amore. I’ve only seen your kind in paintings.
Kenan: And goodbye.[Kenan leaves] [Kyle and Aidy walk in]
Kyle: Question. Where did you go to the bathroom in the castle?
King Henry VIII: Be still, your tongue. I only wish to talk to this divine creature. [Talking to Aidy] Oh, I love to see you, with my son’s breakfast. [King Henry VIII is getting his hands on Aidy’s breasts] Two ample jogs of god’s old cream to feed the future king. I must have you. Bear me a son.
Aidy: Um, thank you. Ha-ha.
Kyle: Hey, come on babe. I wanna see the other stuff. Plus I think there’s something wrong with this hologoram.[The hologram disappears] [Jon walks in]
Jon: Oops! Well, it looks like the kind requires a reboot of his royal software. In the meantime, feel free to sit on his throne and take a photograph if you want.
Aidy: Oh! Me first. [Aidy sits on the King’s throne] Okay, hun. Do it like– look at this. Do a serious photo and then do like, a goofy one. Okay? [Aidy starts posing] [As Aidy is posing, King Henry VIII appears again and is putting his hands on her breasts again]
King Henry VIII: Bear me a son. Bear me a son.
Aidy: Oh, my god![The End]