Larry David[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Larry David.[Larry David walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]
Larry David: Alright. Alright. Okay. Okay. Stop. Stop. You’re gonna be very disappointed. That’s what I do. I disappoint people. Anyway, this hosting thing, come on. So stupid. I’m not a host. I’m a guest. I don’t host things. No one’s ever been to my house. If they did go, they’d find it extremely unpleasant. I don’t put out snacks with dip. I can’t remember the last time I had dip in my house. I have a dip-less house.
You know, I auditioned for this show many, many years ago and I was terrible. Those were the days when I was just a poor schmuck. As opposed to now. Now, I’m a rich prick. Every noticed how the word prick invariably follows the word rich? If you’re rich, you have to be a prick. Same way the word schmuck always follows the word poor. If you’re poor, you’re a schmuck. Why else would you be poor? So I went from a poor schmuck to a rich prick without hardly any transition. I’m not that much happier as a prick than a schmuck. I can be a schmuck again. I never thought I’d become a prick. Neither did my friends. They said, “He’ll never be a prick.” And them boom! One day, I’m a prick. I have all new friends, all pricks.
So now, you know, here I am. I’m hosting. It’s all very well and good but honestly, I can’t wait to leave. In fact, I would say that’s one of the great pleasures of my life. It’s leaving anywhere I am. Wherever I am, I wanna get the hell out of there. Anywhere I am, it’s like I just had sex. I must go. I must vacate the area.
I’ve also noticed now how every time I start dating, my friends always say to me, “Aren’t you concerned she’s only going out with you coz you have some money and you’re on TV?” No! Why else would she go out with me? Of course that’s why she’s going out with me. That’s one of the benefits. That’s why I did this in the first place. What do you think? She has a pension for old bald men? She’s supposed to like me for myself? I don’t even like me for myself. I’m not a good person. I commit six of the seven deadly sins on a daily basis. The only sin I don’t commit is gluttony. So the nicest thing you can say about me is I’m not a fat pig.
I’ve always been kind of thin. My parents were concerned when I was younger that I might have an eating disorder. Nothing horrifies Jews more than a kid who won’t eat. Oh my god, it’s the end of the world. They’d rather I’d shot heroin. Even if I killed someone, that would be preferable to throwing up my dinner. An eating disorder? Could you imagine? “Larry! Larry! What are you doing in my bathroom? Are you throwing up your dinner? Mony! He’s throwing up his dinner again.” “Ah! Leave him alone, Rose. I don’t give a good god damn what he’s doing. Who throws up a brisket? Your mother made a beautiful brisket and that’s what you do? Well, I got news for you. You’re paying for that brisket, and the potato and the apple sauce, everything in that toilet bowl. I’m gonna wash that out.”
Now, here’s the part where I’m supposed to say we have a great show for you tonight. I can’t say that. I love the great show. Secondly, why are there expectations? What I should be saying is, “Ah! The show is so-so.” And if it’s good, you can be surprised. Anyway, the band is the 1975. 1975, which also happens to be the year I broke my masturbation record. 412 times. That’s not terrible. Not terrible. Anyway, we’ll be right back.[The End]