Meeting with Mr. Shaw

Benedict Cumberbatch

David Hoff… Beck Bennett

Dan Fletcher… Kenan Thompson

Carolina… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with David Hoff and Dan Fletcher having a meeting with Benedict]
Benedict: You must be the gentlemen from Mercy General.

David Hoff: I am David Hoff and this is Dan Fletcher.

Dan Fletcher: Yes. I’m sorry but we were under the impression that we would be meeting directly with Mr. Shaw.

Benedict: Mr. Shaw’s time is extremely valuable. If I deem your proposal worthwhile, I will involve him.

Dan Fletcher: Alright, well, as you know, a hospital has fallen on some hard times.

David Hoff: Frankly, we’re looking for someone who can make a sizable donation.

Benedict: Hm, philanthropy does give Mr. Shaw a kind of thrill. Very well. Carolina, could you ask Mr. Shaw to join us please? Now, whatever you do, do not mention his scar.

[Carolina brings Mr. Shaw in. Mr. Shaw is an eagle wearing a human suit.]

Mr. Shaw. How was your round of golf this morning? Well, that’s why they call it a dog lake, sir. I’m joking of course. [David Hoff and Dan Fletcher are shocked] Well, these gentlemen are from Mercy General. Gentlemen, the floor is your’s.

David Hoff: Yeah.

Dan Fletcher: I’m sorry but is this a joke?

Benedict: Does Mr. Shaw seem like the joking type?

David Hoff: So, should we ask him about the donation?

Benedict: Yes. Mr. Shaw is a little embarrassed to talk about money because, well, he’s on it.

Dan Fletcher: Okay. Well, we’re talking to various investors in the hopes of–

Benedict: [interrupting] I’m sorry. I need to stop you for a moment. Mr. Shaw would like to see your watch?

Dan Fletcher: Oh?

Benedict: He finds it quite shiny.

[Dan Fletcher opens his watch and hands it over to Benedict]

[Benedict shakes the watch in front of Mr. Shaw]

Yes, very shiny sir. Mr. Shaw brightly notes that when the light hits your watch, it reminds him of a fish glinsing in the stream. Ha-ha-ha. Woo, could it jump.

[Benedict gives Dan Fletcher’s back back]

Dan Fletcher: Um, I’m sorry but what are we doing here?

David Hoff: Yes, I’m afraid this is a complete waste of time.

Benedict: Really? A waste of time? But it wasn’t a waste of time when Dalai Lama spent his 16th birthday here, with Mr. Shaw. [Benedict shows pictures of celebrities with Mr. Shaw] Richard Ransom seemed very content a while away that afternoon. As the both Nelson Mandela and Howei Mandel. And of course there was that time that Mr. Shaw met Search Salman Rushdie. And was quite disappointed to find that this was one Salman (salmon) he couldn’t eat.

Dan Fletcher: Look, we need money for our hospital to help sick people.

Benedict: Interesting. Now we are getting somewhere. Quick conference. [whispering with Mr. Shaw] Very well sir, congratulations gentlemen.

Dan Fletcher: You’re serious? You’re going to donate to the hospital?

Benedict: $1.7 million in courtesy of this old softy. Sir, maybe they’ll after your donation name a wing after you.  Ha-ha-ha-ha. Well, no, I intended it as a joke sir. I meant no disrespect. No, that was not my intention at all. What subtext? Sir, you– you can’t mean that. After all I’ve given 27 years. I missed my daughter’s birth. Well, you can’t fire me sir, because I quit. Good luck with everything, gentlemen. I hope your hospital can fix a broken heart.

[David Hoff is crying]

David Hoff: So sad.

Dan Fletcher: Actually, cardiology is one of our specialties.

Benedict: I suppose I’ll collect my things. [Benedict walks pass the door and comes back with a football and

Gentlemen, good luck with your hospital. Mr. Shaw, it’s been a wild ride.

[Benedict walks out]

[David Hoff and Dan Fletcher are looking at the Mr. Shaw]

Dan Fletcher: So, do you write us the check? Or…

[Carolina walks in]

Carolina: Excuse me, Mr. Shaw will take his bath now. What’s that sir? Join you? Oh, Mr Shaw! [smiling]

[The End]