Melissa McCarthy Monologue


Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa McCarthy.

[Melissa McCarthy walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Melissa McCarthy: Hi. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh my goodness. This is so exciting. It’s Valentine’s Day show. It’s just… I have a little something unusual for you. I want everybody right now to look under their chair. Go ahead. Look under your chair. And if you anyone finds a glove, there’s one glove from this week. It’s like, caramely color. It’s a goodie and if you find it just give me a holla. It’s missing it’s sister.

I’ve been having just the most amazing week here. My whole family is here. I just finished a new movie called “The Boss” I did with my husband. We had a blast doing it. But I’ll tell you what. Honestly, all I can think about is the fact that I am hosting SNL for the fifth time tonight. Yeah. Which means I am officially now a member of the Five Timer’s club. But before they come out here and make a fuss to give me my Five Timer’s jacket, I just wanna say one little thing. Hit it!

[music playing] [singing] Never in my wildest dreams I ever expected to host a show five times
they say five time’s a charm, I got a tattooed on my arm, 555

Backup singers: She was born… born to host five times

Melissa McCarthy: Born to host five times

Backup singers: She was born… born to host five times

Melissa McCarthy: I hosted five times

[Melissa McCarthy wars glasses that say 5X]

Five Timer’s club is mine

Backup singers: Five, five, five, five, five,
five, five, five, five, five
five, five, five, five, five
five, five, five, five, five

[Kenan walks in wearing a big ‘5’ outfit]

Kenan: Stop it! Can we stop? Melissa, you’ve only hosted four times.

Melissa McCarthy: No, that’s not true. Five, five, five, five, five.

Kenan: Can you put her down. No, please stop.

Melissa McCarthy: No, what?

Kenan:  It’s only four. I googled it while I was backstage sweating in this foam ‘5’ costume that you made me wear.

[All the backup singers leave the stage]

Melissa McCarthy: Wait a minute. No, no, no, no. That’s not right. Wait a minute. [counting] First one was 2011, 2013, 2014, tonight, last year was a 40th, you know, 40th anniversary special. That’s five.

Kenan: No. No. The 40th doesn’t count baby girl. That counts for like, 1/16th of a hosting. So, that’s like four and 1/16th.

Melissa McCarthy: [opens her glasses] So, am I not getting Five Timer’s jacket?

Kenan: No. But look, you get this. [hands over Melissa McCarthy a banana wearing a tiny suit.] That’s cool.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh! Yeah. It is cool Why is it on a banana?

Kenan: Well, just to show scale. There’s more here. Look at these. [hands over 4&1/16th glasses]

Melissa McCarthy: Okay, these are even bigger than the Five’s. Oh, and the banana. I mean, ou think about it, now I’m like at my own club have a 4&1/16er.

Kenan: Yeah. Now, sing the damn song.

[music playing] [Backup singers come in dancing]

Melissa McCarthy: [singing] Tonight will still be fun because I’m hosting for the 4&1/16th times

It’s even better!

never felt quite so alive, tonight I’m gonna really dive 4&1/16th times

Backup singers: She’s hosting four, four, 4&1/16th times

Melissa McCarthy: We got a great show. Kanye West is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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