Mr. Duflapy… Kenan Thompson
Inspector… Taran Killam
Cecily Strong
Mr. Westin… Jonah Hill
Kate McKinnon
Aidy Bryant
Beck Bennett
[Starts with some people being gathered by inspector in a castle]
Mr. Duflapy: Alright inspector, why have you called us here? My train departs in an hour.
Inspector: No one’s going anywhere as currently your host Mr. Foxso lies in his bedroom dead from a bullet wound making one of you a murderer.
Cecily: Well, this is ridiculous. I’m an American. I have rights.
Mr. Westin: Yes, inspector. Please do get to the point.
Inspector: Of course. All I need to know is where each of you were this evening between the hours of 6:30 and eight pm.
Kate: I was plucking the feathers from the pheasant and putting little carrots in his throat and onions in it’s bum, the way Mr. Foxso prefers. Sweet to the top and savory in the ass.
Aidy: And I saw her on the way to the rose garden.
Mr. Duflapy: Where she saw me doing my kind of things and my deep knee bends.
Cecily: And we were at the library having intercourse on the table. I’m not ashamed, I’m an American.
Beck: Indeed.
Inspector: Well, then Mr. Westin, it seems that everyone has been accounted for except for you.
Mr. Westin: To be honest inspector, I can’t even recall where I was between 6:30 to eight.
Kate: I just remembered something. While I was plucking that pheasant, I heard 24 separate toilet flushes in a span of 90 minutes coming from Mr. Westin’s bathroom. Does that help your investigation?
Inspector: Hmm, it is curious. Does that sound familiar to you Mr. Westin?
Mr. Westin: [laughing] It really doesn’t. I would recall doing something like that.
Cecily: I just remembered something too. While in the library, we could hear the pipes through the wall sounding as if they were handling something they had never handled before. It was almost as if they were crying.
Mr. Westin: Okay, I fear like, this is hanging in a direction I’m not comfortable with. Maybe we should look for fingerprints.
Aidy: Wait! I can’t believe I forgot this but I heard a terrible groaning and someone muttering, “No, no, no, this is too much. There are people around. Why today? I did this already this morning.” Does that help with the murder inspector?
Mr. Westin: What are you doing to me?
Mr. Duflapy: The geese!
Inspector: What about the geese, Mr. Duflapy.
Mr. Duflapy: Well, it was the strangest thing. I was doing my back bends so I was facing the sky when I noticed two hands open Mr. Westin’s bathroom window. At the same moment, a flock of geese flew by the very same window and drops dead instantly.
Mr. Westin: I didn’t kill geese.
Kate: Well, the geese were dead. They were all lying there with their little wings over their noses and their eyes were crossed.
Mr. Westin: Geese can’t cross their eyes.
Beck: Actually they can. I studied them in the Island. Geese will cross their eyes when confronted with physical horror.
Mr. Westin: This has nothing to do with the murder. He was killed downstairs. God!
Cecily: Downstairs? Well, wait a second. I do remember now seeing the char remains of men’s white underpants as well as trousers. It was as if someone burnt them in shame and ran out of the room as I entered.
Mr. Westin: This is ridiculous.
Inspector: Mr. Westin! When exactly did you change in to these women’s lace bloomers?
Aidy: Why? Those are mine!
Inspector: It almost looks ex– pardon me! It looks like you had to replace your trousers suddenly. Do you care to explain, Mr. Westin?
Mr. Westin: [yelling] Alright! I was in the bathroom for hour and half going through a catastrophe.
Beck: What is the state of the bathroom at this time?
Mr. Westin: Oh, my god! Not good! Okay? I will take care of it. And P.S., there’s still a murder on the loose. Do we still care about that?
Inspector: Oh, there is no murderer on the loose. She is sitting right next to me.
[Inspector catches Kate by her arm]
Kate: I’ve done it. Walk me away.
Inspector: It was obvious because there was gun powder on the pheasant.
Cecily: Inspector, you’re a genius.
Mr. Westin: You’re fanny whore. You knew that entire time she did it and yet we spent time making me a monster for something everyone does in the bathroom.
Mr. Duflapy: But it was just so extreme.
Mr. Westin: I know! I know, I was there. I was scared. And now I don’t know how to boat. I just remember, I didn’t drive here. So I need a ride to town. So, who’s going to be cool? It could be anybody.
[Everyone just leaves the room]
Okay, so everyone’s just breaking into groups and walking away talking. Great!
[The End]
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