Erin Burnett… Cecily Strong
Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon
FBI agent… Alex Moffat
Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett[Starts with Erin Burnett OutFront intro] [Cut to Erin Burnett in her set]
Erin Burnett: Good evening and welcome to Erin Burnett OutFront. I’m Erin Burnett. For the next 72 hours, we’ll be bringing you non-stop election coverage. And my neighbors who are watching, please don’t feed my dog. Race has been tightening all week and tonight we have both candidates with us to make their case to voters one last time. Joining me from Florida is Secretary Hillary Clinton, and from Colorado, Donald Trump.[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.] [cheers and applause] [Cut to Erin Burnett]
How are you both doing this week?
Donald Trump: Really, really great, Erin. [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.] They’re all so buying it.
Hillary Clinton: Yeah, it has been a great week for me too. Um, my fav part was when I lost that great big lead I had. But I am not worried, Erin. It might be the bottom of the 9th and it’s tied and it’s raining. But this old Chicago cub is still gonna bring it home.
Donald Trump: You are not, Hillary. Coz I am building a lot of momentum. The polls are showing that we are neck and [showing his neck] whatever this is here.[Cut to Erin Burnett]
Erin Burnett: Yeah. And you’ve travelled to four different states just today. What gives you the energy for all that?[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]
Donald Trump: My deep love for America. And a really, really big handful of uppers that are meant for resources.[Cut to Erin Burnett]
Erin Burnett: Okay. Well, let’s get to what’s obviously the big story of the week.[Cut to Hillary Clinton with her fingers crossed]
Hillary Clinton: Please be his taxes. Please be his taxes. Please be his taxes.[Cut to Erin Burnett]
Erin Burnett: Secretary Clinton’s emails.
Hillary Clinton: Ew-okay.[Cut to Erin Burnett]
Erin Burnett: FBI director Jim Comey announced that they’re looking into more emails that were discovered on Anthony Weiner’s laptop.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: That’s right. I called it. And these emails are very bad for you, Hillary. That’s why I never, ever use email. It’s too risky. Instead, I use a very private, very secure site where one can whatever they want to and no one will read it. It’s called Twitter.[Cut to Erin Burnett]
Erin Burnett: Mr. Trump, everyone can see your tweets.[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]
Donald Trump: Really? And I’m still in this thing? America, you must really hate this lady.
Hillary Clinton: [laughing] They do.
Erin Burnett: Now, it’s highly unusual for the FBI to make an announcement like this so close to the election.[Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: Oh yeah, you think? I mean, am I cringy or does it sort of seem like the FBI is trying to get Donald Trump elected president?[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: No, no. That is crazy cuckoo. The FBI is not trying to help me. The FBI does not like me. I mean, what even is the FBI?[FBI agent walks in]
FBI agent: Hey, I’m gonna go grab some coffee, you want something?
Donald Trump: No, I’m good. Thanks sweetie.
FBI agent: Okay.[Donald Trump kisses FBI agent and FBI agent leaves] [Cut to Hillary Clinton looking shocked]
Hillary Clinton: Erin! Erin! Erin! You saw that, right? He kissed an FBI guy? Yeah?[Cut to Erin Burnett]
Erin Burnett: It doesn’t seem like enough of a story. Let’s get back to your emails.[Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: [screaming] Oh! Yeah. Boy, I could really go for another Donald Trump audio link right about now. Hey! Mark Burnett, Mark, my baby, I know you’re sitting on some pretty racist tapes of Donald on the Apprentice. So, Mark, as they say I’m a wheel of fortune, give me a an ‘N’.[Cut to Erin Burnett]
Erin Burnett: Secretary Clinton, there is no proof that a tape of Mr. Trump saying the N word actually exists.
Hillary Clinton: Erin, are you cray? Of course that tape exists.
Donald Trump: Erin, Erin, Erin, it does exist.
Hillary Clinton: See? See? I need someone to release something on this guy. I mean, I’ve got the whole Russian government helping release stuff on me coz Russian loves Donald and Donald loves Putin.
Donald Trump: No, no, no. She’s a liar. I don’t know Putin. I have never met Putin. What is even a Putin?[Vladimir Putin walks in half naked.]
Vladimir Putin: I’m running to store. Do you need anything?
Donald Trump: No, I’m good. Thanks sweetie.
Vladimir Putin: Alright.[Donald Trump kisses Vladimir Putin and Vladimir Putin leaves] [Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: Erin! Erin! Erin! He kissed Putin. He kissed Putin on live TV.[Cut to Erin Burnett]
Erin Burnett: Secretary, that can mean anything. Let’s get back to your emails.[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]
Hillary Clinton: [screaming] Oh!
Donald Trump: These emails are huge scandal. I heard it’s even bigger than White Water.[Cut to Erin Burnett]
Erin Burnett: I’m not sure that’s quite true, Mr. Trump.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Why are you defending her, Erin? Are you a les with her? Because I hear it from a lot of people that you are lessing her.[Cut to Erin Burnett]
Erin Burnett: that doesn’t even make sense.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter, Erin, because I said it. And now, half the country believes it. But P.S., no one loves gay people more than me, okay? I am a huge supporter of the LB community.[Cut to Erin Burnett]
Erin Burnett: You mean the LGBT community?[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: No, just the L and the B.[Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: You see Erin? Okay, this is how he talks. He pretends to be pro-gay but then his running mate believes in conversion therapy. He says he is not racist but this week the KKK endorsed him for president.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: No. No. No. I don’t know the KKK. I mean, what even is a K?[a KKK walks in with the white cult outfit on]
KKK member: Hey, I’m gonna go for a run. Do you wanna come?
Donald Trump: Um, no thanks. I’m good, sweetie[Donald Trump kisses the KKK member and he leaves] [Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: Erin, the KKK. Can we talk about how he kissed the KKK?[Cut to Erin Burnett]
Erin Burnett: Yeah, I wish we could but we’re almost out of time. So, let’s get back to your emails.[Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: [sighs] What is happening? Is the whole world insane? Donald Trump has single handedly ruined so much of what we as Americans hold dear. Kindness, decency, tic tacs, skittles, taco balls, father daughter dances, buses, bright red hats, the word ‘great’, the color orange, men. But look, if you want to elect him president on Tuesday, okay! Go ahead. But then in four years once you all realize you’ve been tricked, you’re gonna come running back to me begging me to run again and guess what idiots? I’ll do it.[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]
Donald Trump: Erin, here is the bottomline, okay? Hillary Clinton is the most corrupt person ever to run for president. She is a liar. She is a crook.
Hillary Clinton: No.
Donald Trump: And frankly, she should be in jail. And when I am president, I will assign a special prosecutor–
Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no.
Donald Trump: –to make sure that she never–[Donald Trump looks down and around] [sighs] I’m sorry Kate. I just hate yelling all this stuff at you like this. [Cut to a shot where Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are standing side by side, just their backgrounds are different.]
Hillary Clinton: Yeah. I know, right? This whole election has been so mean.[Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk close to each other]
Donald Trump: I mean, I just feel gross all the time. I mean, don’t you guys feel gross all the time about this? [cheers and applause]
Hillary Clinton: You know what I think can help us? Let’s get out of here.
Donald Trump: What? Where will we go?
Hillary Clinton: You’ll see.[music playing] [Hillary Clinton grabs Donald Trump by his hand and pulls him] [they run out to the streets. They raise hands and run into the public. They start hugging strangers in the public.] [Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton run back to the SNL stage]
Donald Trump: Whoo! I needed that!
Hillary Clinton: I needed that. I feel so much better.
Donald Trump: Yeah. And now it’s time to get out there and vote. None of this will have mattered if you don’t vote.
Hillary Clinton: And we can’t tell you who to vote for but on Tuesday, we all get a chance to choose what kind of country we want to live in.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.