Neil Cavuto… Kyle Mooney
Maria Bartiromo… Cecily Strong
Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond
Ted Cruz… Taran Killam
Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan
Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett
Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah
Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson[Starts with republican debate intro]
Male voice: Live on the Fox Business Network, it’s the 6th republican debate.
Neil: Hello and welcome back. I’m FOX business rock star Neil Cavuto.
Neil: And I’m Maria Bartiromo. A reminder, we’ve lost a few competitors since the last debate with only seven joining us tonight. So remember candidates, if at any time tonight, your poll numbers drop below 3%, you will hear a loud gong, then be escorted off the stage like the showtime at the Apollo. At which point you’ll take a seat in the audience next to that sweet rose of the Carolina’s senator Lindsey Graham.[Cut to Lindsey Graham sitting at the audience and smiling at the camera.] [Cut to Neil and Maria]
The next question for our front runner Donald Trump.[Cut to Donald Trump.]
Donald Trump: Thank you Maria Toniromo.[Cut to Neil and Maria]
Maria: Mr. Trump. Since the last debate, Ted Cruz has pulled ahead of you in Iowa. Is it true you’ve started attacking him because you see him as a threat?[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Franky Maria, I’m glad everyone is talking about my good friend Rafael Eduardo Cruz. People are coming up to me all the time saying, “Donald, Ted Cruz was born in Canada. He can’t be president. This campaign is illegal.” Their words, not mine.
Ted Cruz: Donald, this debate about natural born citizenship is just political nonsense. Clearly I’m not Canadian. Canadians are well act. I am not. Canadians are rugged and outdoorsy where I myself am mostly made of pudding. Canadians are genuine and warm whereas when I smile, it looks like I’m peeing.[Cut to Neil and Maria]
Maria: Alright governor Christie, if I ask you a question, do you promise not to turn your answer into a tie raid against president Obama?[Cut to Chris Christie]
Chris Christie: I promise.[Cut to Neil and Maria]
Maria: How would you change the tax code?[Cut to Chris Christie]
Chris Christie: Barack Obama is the worst president in the history. And when Chris Christie is president, the first thing we will do is kick your rear end out of the White House buddy.[Cut to Neil and Maria]
Maria: Well, whoever is elected, president Obama will be required to leave. It will be the end of his term.
Chris Christie: Duh! Yeah! Coz I’m gonna send him packing.[Cut to Neil and Maria]
Maria: He will already have packed and left because his term will be over.[Cut to Chris Christie]
Chris Christie: Yeah, well.[Cut to Neil and Maria]
Maria: This next question is for Jeb.[Cut to Jeb Bush]
Jeb Bush: It is?
Maria: Wait, I’m sorry. I’m wrong. It says Ted. Ted Cruz.[Cut to Jeb Bush]
Jeb Bush: Aw![Cut to Neil and Maria]
Maria: Mr. Cruz. You suggested Mr. Trump embodies New York values. Could you explain what you mean by that?[Cut to Ted Cruz]
Ted Cruz: I think most people know exactly what New York values are. And frankly, they’re not the rest of the country’s values. Instead of celebrating Christmas, New Yorkers celebrate a pagan holiday called Festivus. Instead of watching American football, they challenge each other to masturbation contests. In New York, people don’t say hi to their neighbors. They say, “Hello, Newman.”[Cut to Neil and Maria]
Neil: Sounds like you’re describing the TV show ‘Seinfeld’. Is that what you mean by New York values?
Ted Cruz: Believe me, if I could say liberal Jews, I would.[Cut to Neil and Maria]
Maria: Dr. Carson. You’ve said we’re not doing enough to dismantle and destroy ISIS. What would you do as president?[Cut to Ben Carson]
Ben Carson: Well, whenever I think of ISIS I get so furious. I just go into beast mode. Okay, look. Okay, wars change in the 6,000 years that the earth has existed. Our enemies can now send an electromagnetic pulse into our exo-atmosphere scrambling our electro-city. I’m talking dirty bombs, cyber fights, laser people and robo-trons.[Cut to Chris Christie and Ben Carson. Chris Christie moves away from Ben Carson.] [Cut to Neil and Maria]
Neil: Mr. Trump, we now turn to China.[Cut to Donald Trump looking at his phone.]
Donald Trump: Hold on. I’m getting a call from a respected expert. Hello. What? You’re saying Jeb Bush is a little girl?
Jeb Bush: No I’m not.
Donald Trump: And he can’t be president because his hands are bigger than his face.
Jeb Bush: That’s not true. Look! Dang it![Cut to Neil and Maria]
Neil: Our next question is for Marco Rubio.[Cut to Marco Rubio]
Marco Rubio: Um, can I ask my question myself? Um, why am I not winning? Is it the boots? I can lose the boots. I mean come on! I’m young. I’m smart.[Cut to Neil and Maria]
Maria: What did he say?
Neil: Um, I wasn’t listening. Um, finally we turn to governor Bush. Governor, would you like to tell everyone the joke I heard you practicing in the bathroom earlier?[Cut to Jeb Bush]
Jeb Bush: Okay. In Hillary’s first 100 days as president, she’s going from the White House to the Court House. [laughing] [Cut to Donald Trump shaking his head]
Donald Trump: It’s okay. You don’t need to tell jokes because you are one, Zebra.[Cut to Jeb Bush]
Jeb Bush: That’s not my name.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Yes it is. And I have a good authority that Zebra is wearing spanks right now.[Cut to Jeb Bush]
Jeb Bush: You shut up. They’re for support.[Cut to Neil and Maria]
Maria: Alright. We’ll take our first break–[someone hands a paper to Maria]
Oh, this is exciting. We have confirmation that Chris Christie has just dipped below 3% in the national polls.[Cut to Chris Christie] [gong sound]
Chris Christie: Wait! Come on![Kenan walks in wearing a white suit dancing and escorts Chris Christie out] [Cut to Neil and Maria]
Maria: Well, that’s a lot of fun. We’ll be right back with more. And …
Neil and Maria: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.