Kate McKinnon
Fred Armisen
Helix 900… Beck Bennett
Helix 950… Kyle Mooney
Casey Affleck
Alex Moffat
Aidy Bryant
Kenan Thompson
[Starts with Kate and Fred on their presentation.]Kate: Hello, welcome everybody. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you.
Fred: Thank you. Thank you.
Kate: Thank you all so much for coming to the 2016 Microsoft Tech Expo.
[music playing]Fred: Today we are excited to introduce our latest advancement in robotic programming, the Helix 900.
[Kate and Fred walk to Helix 900]Kate: Helix 900 is a robotic employee with processing speed 50 times faster than a computer.
Fred: Which means he can increase office efficiency by 9,000%, guaranteed!
Kate: But enough talk! What do you say we turn him on?
Alright.
[Kate turns Helix 900 on]Fred: Alright. Introducing Helix 900.
Helix 900: Hello. I’m Helix 900. I am programmed to translate any language, read any document under 1.4 milliseconds, and store up to 50 terabytes of data. Also, I am attracted to men. I like the way their bodies look. Men are sexy to me.
Fred: Okay, great! Helix 900, everyone.
[applause]Kate: Thank you. Thank you. Helix. Does anyone have any questions?
[Cut to the audience]Casey: Um, I’m sorry, yes. I feel weird asking this. But…
Kate: No, no! Of course, ask anything.
Fred: That’s what the demo is for.
[Cut to Casey]Casey: Oh, okay. Um, why did he just say that he was attracted to men?
[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]Kate: Oh, well, because Helix 900 identifies as homosexual.
Fred: That’s right. He’s a gay robot.
Casey: Oh, okay. Cool. But why?
[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]Kate: Umm… why not?
Fred: It’s 2016?
[Cut to Casey]Casey: Oh! Right, right, right. Of course. I’m sorry I asked.
[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]Kate: Great! [music playing] Now, would anyone like to test Helix 900’s programming? Go ahead, ask him anything. You!
Alex: Um, yeah, [looking at his mobile phone] Helix 900, what is 4,981 times 22,912.
[Cut to Helix 900]Helix 900: 114,124,672.
[Cut to Alex]Alex: Wow, that was fast.
[Cut to Helix 900]Helix 900: Also, I can’t get enough of men’s bodies. I’m sexually attracted to them. Sex with men is the type of sex I like.
[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]Fred: Wow! This is impressive, right?
Casey: Um, I’m sorry. It’s a work machine, right? I mean, you made him to help people work?
[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]Kate: Yes, that’s correct.
[Cut to the audience]Casey: Okay, well then why is he talking so much about being gay?
[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]Kate: Okay. Okay. So you don’t mind a gay robot as long as they don’t talk about being gay?
Fred: I’m sorry Cindy, do we still live in the stone age?
[Cut to the audience]Casey: Wait. Am I wrong? [asking others in the audience] Am I being homophobic?
Aidy: Oh, I don’t want to get involved in this.
[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]Kate: Let’s keep moving. [music playing] Helix 900 also has the most advanced life like movement of any of the Helix models. Should we take him for a spin? Helix 900, walk.
[Helix 900 starts jump-walking like a girl]Helix 900: Here I go. Watch out. Coming through. Here I go. Watch out. Coming through. Here I go. Watch out. Coming through.
Kate: Perfect. Thank you so much, Helix. Sir, did you have a question about that?
[Cut to the audience]Casey: Um, yeah, but I don’t really want to ask it.
[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]Kate: No, no, no. Come on. Ask it. Come on.
[Cut to the audience]Casey: Okay then, did you guys program it to, like, walk gay?
[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]Fred: Um, I personally didn’t see him ‘walk gay’. I just saw him… walk. Am I right, Cindy?
Kate: Yeah, yeah. Are you saying all gay people walk the same or…?
Fred: I gotta say dude, it’s weird how obsessed you are with Helix 900’s sexuality.
Kate: Yeah, I bet most of these other people didn’t even notice he was gay. Right, guys? Did you notice?
[Cut to the audience]Aidy: Ummm….
Kenan: I don’t want to answer.
[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]Fred: Well, buckle up because we have a surprise for you. Introducing our even more advanced model, the Helix 950.
[The door behind them open and Helix 950 walks in]Helix 950: [talking sassy] Hey! I’m Helix 950. I have built in wireless capabilities and super fast processing.
Kate: Great! Any questions?
[Cut to the audience]Casey: So, this robot is also gay?
[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]Kate: Yes, but how could you tell?
[Cut to the audience]Casey: Well, coz you programmed his voice to be so—
Kenan: Oh boy, you really stepped in it now.
Casey: Ah! You’re right. Never mind. I support both of the gay robots and I hope they’re happy. Are they a couple, or?
[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]Fred: Are they a couple? No, they’re not each other’s types.
Kate: FYI, not every gay robot is attracted to every other gay robot.
Helix 900: I like little Latin men.
Helix 950: And I like big strong men that can dominate me.
[Cut to the audience]Casey: Oh, good. That’s great.
[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]Kate: Okay, we’re gonna take a quick break, but when we come back, we’ll demo our new Helix 1000.
Fred: He is also gay but still in the closet, so please don’t say anything.
[Cut to the audience]Casey: What? Whoa! Whoa! Why?
[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]Fred: Because he’s not ready and that’s okay.
