Robot Presentation

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Kate McKinnon

Fred Armisen

Helix 900… Beck Bennett

Helix 950… Kyle Mooney

Casey Affleck

Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Kate and Fred on their presentation.]

Kate: Hello, welcome everybody. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you.

Fred: Thank you. Thank you.

Kate: Thank you all so much for coming to the 2016 Microsoft Tech Expo.

[music playing]

Fred: Today we are excited to introduce our latest advancement in robotic programming, the Helix 900.

[Kate and Fred walk to Helix 900]

Kate: Helix 900 is a robotic employee with processing speed 50 times faster than a computer.

Fred: Which means he can increase office efficiency by 9,000%, guaranteed!

Kate: But enough talk! What do you say we turn him on?

[audience clapping]

Alright.

[Kate turns Helix 900 on]

Fred: Alright. Introducing Helix 900.

Helix 900: Hello. I’m Helix 900. I am programmed to translate any language, read any document under 1.4 milliseconds, and store up to 50 terabytes of data. Also, I am attracted to men. I like the way their bodies look. Men are sexy to me.

Fred: Okay, great! Helix 900, everyone.

[applause]

Kate: Thank you. Thank you. Helix. Does anyone have any questions?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Um, I’m sorry, yes. I feel weird asking this. But…

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: No, no! Of course, ask anything.

Fred: That’s what the demo is for.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Oh, okay. Um, why did he just say that he was attracted to men?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Oh, well, because Helix 900 identifies as homosexual.

Fred: That’s right. He’s a gay robot.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Oh, okay. Cool. But why?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Umm… why not?

Fred: It’s 2016?

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Oh! Right, right, right. Of course. I’m sorry I asked.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Great! [music playing] Now, would anyone like to test Helix 900’s programming? Go ahead, ask him anything. You!

[Cut to audience]

Alex: Um, yeah, [looking at his mobile phone] Helix 900, what is 4,981 times 22,912.

[Cut to Helix 900]

Helix 900: 114,124,672.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Wow, that was fast.

[Cut to Helix 900]

Helix 900: Also, I can’t get enough of men’s bodies. I’m sexually attracted to them. Sex with men is the type of sex I like.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Wow! This is impressive, right?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Um, I’m sorry. It’s a work machine, right? I mean, you made him to help people work?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Yes, that’s correct.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Okay, well then why is he talking so much about being gay?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Okay. Okay. So you don’t mind a gay robot as long as they don’t talk about being gay?

Fred: I’m sorry Cindy, do we still live in the stone age?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Wait. Am I wrong? [asking others in the audience] Am I being homophobic?

Aidy: Oh, I don’t want to get involved in this.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Let’s keep moving. [music playing] Helix 900 also has the most advanced life like movement of any of the Helix models. Should we take him for a spin? Helix 900, walk.

[Helix 900 starts jump-walking like a girl]

Helix 900: Here I go. Watch out. Coming through. Here I go. Watch out. Coming through. Here I go. Watch out. Coming through.

Kate: Perfect. Thank you so much, Helix. Sir, did you have a question about that?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Um, yeah, but I don’t really want to ask it.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: No, no, no. Come on. Ask it. Come on.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Okay then, did you guys program it to, like, walk gay?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Um, I personally didn’t see him ‘walk gay’. I just saw him… walk. Am I right, Cindy?

Kate: Yeah, yeah. Are you saying all gay people walk the same or…?

Fred: I gotta say dude, it’s weird how obsessed you are with Helix 900’s sexuality.

Kate: Yeah, I bet most of these other people didn’t even notice he was gay. Right, guys? Did you notice?

[Cut to the audience]

Aidy: Ummm….

Kenan: I don’t want to answer.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Well, buckle up because we have a surprise for you. Introducing our even more advanced model, the Helix 950.

[The door behind them open and Helix 950 walks in]

Helix 950: [talking sassy] Hey! I’m Helix 950. I have built in wireless capabilities and super fast processing.

Kate: Great! Any questions?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: So, this robot is also gay?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Yes, but how could you tell?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Well, coz you programmed his voice to be so—

Kenan: Oh boy, you really stepped in it now.

Casey: Ah! You’re right. Never mind. I support both of the gay robots and I hope they’re happy. Are they a couple, or?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Are they a couple? No, they’re not each other’s types.

Kate: FYI, not every gay robot is attracted to every other gay robot.

Helix 900: I like little Latin men.

Helix 950: And I like big strong men that can dominate me.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Oh, good. That’s great.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Okay, we’re gonna take a quick break, but when we come back, we’ll demo our new Helix 1000.

Fred: He is also gay but still in the closet, so please don’t say anything.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: What? Whoa! Whoa! Why?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Because he’s not ready and that’s okay.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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