Ronda Rousey Monologue

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Ronda Rousey

Chad… Beck Bennett

Marc… Taran Killam

Coach… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Selena Gomez

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ronda Rousey.

[Ronda Rousey walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Ronda Rousey: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. And thank you for coming out even though there’s two feet of snow on the ground. They’ve closed Broadway. They’ve closed movie theatres. Even closed all the bars. Such a night, we’re literally the only show in town. I’m so excited to be here because its the first time I’ll be live on television without getting punched in the face. It’s also the first time I’m talking to my fans since I lost to Holly Holm in November which by the way was a fight Holly deserved to win. And I just want to take a minute to sincerely congratulate her. [a short applause by audience] That’s enough! All those who are worried that I’m not ready to host this show because I’ve been brain damaged, relax! I’m good. Besides, everything I need is on cue cards.

[Cut to cue card. The cue card says “Your name is Ronda Rousey.”]

But in all seriousness, I’m fine and tonight I’m ready to crush it.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks to the corner.] [Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: And that’s the end of the first round of monologue.

Marc: Ronda Rousey is off to a great start, don’t you think Chad?

Chad: I do, Marc. She’s warm yet funny. I like her chances tonight.

Marc: I mean, look at the funk as she prepares for next round.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey and Coach. Coach his her coach.]

Coach: Okay Ronda Baby. The crowd is with you. Now it’s time to really get them to make some noise.

Ronda Rousey: How am I supposed to do that, coach?

Coach: Well, you got to throw out some applause line. You know, stuff that they really cheer for.

Ronda Rousey: Isn’t that kind of cheap?

Coach: Do you wanna win this monologue or not? Now get your butt out there.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

Ronda Rousey: Sorry buddy. How does it feel to be in New York city?

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Coach nodding his head proudly.] [Cut to Ronda Rousey]

And how about this, who here likes cake?

[audience whooping] [Cut to Chad and Marc]

Marc: Oh! What a move going with cake.

Chad: Everybody loves cake Marc and Ronda knows that

Marc: Oh, looks like she’s getting ready for another joke.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: So, what’s up with this wonder-storm, huh?

Chad: There’s the set up.

Ronda Rousey: I haven’t seen this many flakes since I joined tinder.

[Cut to Kyle in the audience looking sad]

Marc: Oh no. And a rare misstep for Ronda. Clearly some of our audience used Tinder.

Chad: That one took a lot out of her.

[Cut to Coach comforting Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: I don’t know. I don’t know if I can keep going coach. I’m so tired.

Coach: Well, you sleep there in Update. But right now, it’s time for a sure thing. Why don’t you hit them with a little bit of Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber?

Ronda Rousey: But Justin Bieber isn’t even the news right now.

Coach: Don’t nobody care about that. Now go.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage] [Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber walks in]

Justin Bieber: Hey girl, you’re not the only one who’s got quick moves. Watch me.

[Justin Bieber is jumping around]

Try and pop me. I bet you can’t pop me.

[Ronda Rousey slaps Justin Bieber]

Ow! She hit me. And now I got a boo-boo girl.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: Wow, and Ronda’s back with an assist by Bieber.

Marc: You know Chad, she’s gonna be asking by self will she join the ranks of all time champions Steve Martin?

Chad: It all depends on this final round.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

What’s this? Can it be a song?

[music stars playing. SNL cast members join Ronda Rousey as back up dancers.]

Marc: Oh! Look at this. The cast is joining her in.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Oh my god! They’ve even given the audience cake.

[Cut to Kyle eating cake and laughing at the audience.] [Cut to Chad and Marc]

Unbelievable. I didn’t know that Ronda could sing, Chad!

[Cut to the stage]

Ronda Rousey: I can’t. Ladies and gentlemen, Selena Gomez.

[Selena Gomez walks in] [cheers and applause]

Chad: Oh my god! What a move. And Ronda Rousey has won the monologue.

[UFC bell rings]

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All: Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All:Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Ronda Rousey: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Selena Gomez is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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