Vanessa Bayer
Sasheer Zamata
Aidy Bryant
Kate McKinnon
Cecily Strong
Maria… Ariana Grande
[Starts with The Sound of Music intro]Male voice: We now return to our special presentation of The Sound of Music.
[Cut to five nuns]Vanessa: Where is sister Maria? She’s late for chore time.
Sasheer: And she has missed her morning prayers.
Aidy: Oh, what are we going to do about that girl?
[music playing]Kate: [singing] She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee
Vanessa: Her dress has got a chair
Sasheer: She walks on her way to mass
and whistles on the stairs
Kate: And underneath, she has colors in her hair
Cecily: I’ve even her singing in the Abby
All: How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find the word that means Maria?
Sasheer: A-flidibi-dibid
Cecily: A will of the wiz?
Kate: A clown.
All: How do you solve a problem like Maria?
Aidy: How do you? In your hand?
Maria: Wow! Good to hear this, a bunch of nuns singing smack about me.
Aidy: Oh, Maria, we didn’t see you there.
Maria: Yeah, I know you didn’t. But I heard everything. And you thought Maria was a problem before? Well, buckle up.
Aidy: Goodness, you’re being a bit sensitive, Maria. We weren’t saying anything negative about you.
Maria: Oh, yeah? Then what’s the song called?
Vanessa: Well, it doesn’t really have a name.
Maria: Do no play with me right now!
Vanessa: Fine. It’s called ‘How do you solver a problem like Maria?’
Maria: Wow!
Cecily: What wow? It’s not about you. It’s about a different Maria. Maria Gutsn Schwertzn Wartz.
Maria: Nun, please, I know ya’ll sing shade about me all the time.
Kate: This is the first and only time we’ve ever sang it.
Maria: So you guys just made up that four part harmony with light choreography on the spot? Okay…
Aidy: But weren’t we merely discussing how to best guide our youngest sister on our path.
Maria: Nun, why are you coming for me so?
Aidy: What? What is this thing that you’re doing with your hands?
Maria: It’s a thing I made up so people know when I’ve had it. And y’all nuns are about to get red!
Aidy: Well, [clapping and hand gesturing like Maria] I think you’re being a very rude person.
Maria: Well, it’s your fault for calling me a will of the wisp and I know what that word means.
Sasheer: Oh, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s like, you know hen you call your friend a will of the wiz? It’s more like, “Oh, you my will of the wiz girl!”
Cecily: Yea, yea, yea. That’s what we say to each other. It’s empowering, right? My will of the wiz?
Vanessa: Oh, see? That’s all that we were saying, Maria.
Maria: Um-hmm. I guess I’ll just have to take your word for it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta get to my chores.
[Maria leaves] [music playing]Kate: [singing] Unpredictable as weather
All: Flappy as a feather
Cecily: She’s a darling, she’s a demon, she’s a–
[Maria comes in running]Maria: Wow! I was literally gone for two seconds.
Kate: Okay, fine! We confess it, Maria. We talk about you. But you give us no choice.
[music playing] [singing] You cry–Maria: Wow! Stop starting the song. You know what? I don’t need this. I got hooked up with a babysitting seven children which literally sounds like a vacation compared to living with you virgins.
[music playing] [singing] Which will leave us all to,bye-bye-bye-bye-bye
Maria, out!
Cecily: Well, I have a feeling nun of us will miss her. Nun. You guys get it?
Aidy: Oh, you’re so bad.
[laughing] [The End]