Taran Killam
Aidy Bryant
Vanessa Bayer
Kyle Mooney
Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon
Cecily Strong
Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond
Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett
[Starts with four people having meal at a restaurant]
Taran: Oh, my god. Have you guys been watching the Primaries?
Aidy: Ah, yes. Hillary got her butt kicked in New Hampshire.
Vanessa: I know. But we’re all still voting for her right?
All: Oh, yeah. Totally.
Vanessa: Cool. Me too. Except, I think I’m voting for Bernie.
Kyle: What? But yeah, me too.
Taran and Aidy: You are? But so are we.
Vanessa: mean, Hillary is the most qualified candidate in history but at the same time, ay!
Taran: Yeah. I mean, Hillary has every single thing I want in the president, but…
All: She’s no Bernie.
[music playing]
[Cut to Hillary Clinton on a flower swing]
Hillary Clinton: [singing] Turn down the lights
turn down the bay
turn down these voices
inside my head
Lay down with me
tell me no lies
just hold me close
don’t personalize
[Cut to Taran and Aidy]
Aidy: I mean, I like Hillary’s foreign policy experience, but I love Bernie’s whole vibe.
Taran: I’m obsessed with his vibe.
[Hillary Clinton walks behind them]
Hillary Clinton: Coz I can’t make you love me if you don’t
[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]
Kyle: Bernie is the best.
[Hillary Clinton walks behind them]
Hillary Clinton: I can’t make your heart feel something it wont
Vanessa: Bernie is change.
Hillary Clinton: Here in the dark
[Cut to everybody. Hillary Clinton is singing and dancing.]
at this fine hour
I will lay down my heart
and I’ll feel the power
with you
Aidy: I like when Bernie yells.
Hillary Clinton: I love you.
Aidy: But not when Hillary does.
Hillary Clinton: Coz I can’t make you love me
If you don’t
[Hillary Clinton walks away]
Vanessa: Wow, did anybody else just get so cold for a minute?
Kyle: I felt cold, but safe.
[Cecily walks in]
Cecily: Hey you guys, I’m sorry I’m late.
Taran: h, that’s okay. We were just talking about whether or not vote for Hillary.
Cecily: Oh, I definitely am. Coz they basically said it’s my feminist duty.
Aidy: Well, actually that’s not right. True feminism is looking at both candidates equally regardless of gender.
Cecily: Oh! Well, if they really do that I pick Bernie.
Kyle: Me too. Hillary is just too establishment.
Vanessa: Yeah. And Bernie is an outsider who has only been in congress for 30 years.
All: Yes, he’s the best.
[music playing]
[Hillary Clinton come in sitting on a piano. Bill Clinton is playing the piano.]
Hillary Clinton: [singing] I can’t make you love me if you don’t
Bill Clinton: Please. Please just look.
Hillary Clinton: I can’t make your heart feel something it wont
Bill Clinton: Like her from my side.
Hillary Clinton: Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
Bill Clinton: Oh boy. Guess what, I’m not even playing this thing. [he means he’s not playing the piano]
Hillary Clinton: I can’t you love me if you don’t
[Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton slide out with the piano]
[Cut to everybody]
Taran: You guys, I will say one thing about Hillary. She is way better than any of those republican nominees.
Vanessa: Oh, that’s for sure. Except, I do like Jeb Bush.
All: You do?
Vanessa: No, I’m kidding. Who likes Jeb Bush?
[everybody laughing]
[music playing]
[Jeb Bush comes out of the table behind everbody]
Jeb Bush: [singing] Coz I can’t make you love me if you don’t
coz I can’t make your heart feel something it wont
Deep in the dark–
Kyle: Excuse me! I’m sorry. Are you Jeb Bush?
Jeb Bush: Wait, what? You can see me?
Vanessa: I mean, yeah. You just stood up out of that table. How long were you waiting down there for?
Jeb Bush: But I was just– I was doing what Hillary did. You know? With the other ones? Coz she and I are both big losers.
Cecily: Oh! No, no. You two aren’t the same. Hillary may have lost New Hampshire but she is still pulling way ahead in the south.
Aidy: Yeah. I have a ton of friends there and they all love her.
[Hillary Clinton comes out of another table with an electric guitar]
Hillary Clinton: Now that’s my babies! And there is going nowhere!
[plays rock guitar]
I’ll see you in the south
[plays rock guitar]
And live from New York
[plays rock guitar]
It’s Saturday Night!
