Rafe Degraw… Beck Bennett
Coop Dixon… Kyle Mooney
Michelle… Vanessa Bayer
Tuketo… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with video clips of mythical creatures]
Rafe Degraw narrating: Bigfoot. The Loch Ness monster. All rarely seen. All shrouded in mystery. And tonight, we’re headed to the woods of West Chester county to search for the most elusive legend of all, Hillary Rodham Clinton. I’m Rafe Degraw.
Rafe Degraw: Wait, did you hear that?
Rafe Degraw narrating: With my partner, Coop Dixon.
Coop Dixon: There’s something here, man!
Rafe Degraw narrating: And this is “The Hunt for Hil”. Our search begins in the woods of Chappaqua where Hillary Clinton has recently been sighted by a bunch of white people with Facebook accounts. But where is she now? We wet out to find her. Trap her. And thank her. And for that, we needed help.
[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon visits Michelle]
Rafe Degraw: So, Michelle, you’ve seen Hillary Clinton?
Michelle: I have. [Cut to the reenactment video] I was in my kitchen washing pans when I saw something moving through the woods. [someone walks through the bushes and Michelle gets scared] It was blonde, about 5’6“. It seemed like kind of wanted some time to itself. So, I immediately started running after it.
[Michelle is showing the video she recorded of Hillary Clinton]
Voice in the video: Hillary, wait. I just want to thank you.
Hillary Clinton: Welcome.
Voice in the video: Hillary! Wait!
[Hillary starts running]
Michelle: I think that’s her.
Rafe Degraw: That’s her. You did a great job.
Rafe Degraw narrating: We decided to check out the spot where Michelle had her sighting to see if there was any trace of Hil.
[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon are in the woods]
Coop Dixon: Hey, Rafe, you’re gonna want to see this. [showing a footprint] That’s a woman’s shoe right there. Size six. Look, see how there’s no heel?
Rafe Degraw: It’s Hillary.
Rafe Degraw narrating: She was definitely close. So I decided to try and communicate with her.
Rafe Degraw: [making laughing noise] Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Coop Dixon: What are you doing?
Rafe Degraw: Shh! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Coop Dixon: It’s not gonna work.
Rafe Degraw: Just hold on. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
[Hillary Clinton laughing]
[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon are looking around]
Rafe Degraw narrating: We could hear her laugh but we couldn’t see her. And it was getting dark. So we decided to lure her to us with the one thing we knew would entice her. An article about the recount in Wisconsin. We placed it at the edge of the woods, set up our night vision, and waited. She never showed. But the next morning when we checked, the article had clearly been read. Because in the very bottom corner, there was a little note that said, “Thank you, H.” It was our last day in Chappaqua and we had just one more idea. But it was crazy one.
[Cut to Atiketo sitting in the trees. He is a forest shaman.]
Atiketo: Hello?
Rafe Degraw: Tuketo, you say you are one with the trees.
Tuketo: Yes. I have lived my whole life in these Chappaqua woods. The trees whisper their secrets to me.
Coop Dixon: Can you ask them where Hillary Clinton is?
Tuketo: Of course. One moment. [Gibberish] Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh! She’s buying eggs at a grocery store.
Rafe Degraw narrating: Next week, the search moves to a Shoprite, only on “The Hunt for Hil”.
