Mary… Emma Stone
Joseph… Kyle Mooney
Barshaba.. Pete Davidson
Nicodemus… Mikey Day
Three wise men… Kenan Thompson, Alex Moffat, Beck Bennett
Bobby Moynihan
[Starts with Mary and Joseph inside a barn]
Mary: He’s here. He’s finally here. Look, Joseph, our son, Jesus.
Joseph: You’ve done something extraordinary. And now, Mary, you really must rest.
[door knocking]
Huh, I wonder who that could be.
Mary: Well, whoever it is, tell them to leave.
Joseph: Why?
Mary: Well, I don’t know about you, Joseph, but I’m not in the mood to have people over right now because I just had a baby, in a barn.
Joseph: I understand, Mary.
[Joseph goes to open the door]
[Barshaba and Nicodemus enter]
Barshaba: Greetings. We heard there is a baby. A savior baby.
Nicodemus: We wish to look upon him, we wish to look upon him.
Mary: Sure, come on in. Take a look.
Joseph: Okay, so we’re just going to have visitors even though this place is a mess and I had no time to get ready? Cool, cool, cool.
[Barshaba and Nicodemus walk in]
Nicodemus: Yes, I am Nicodemus. This is Barshaba.
Barshaba: Are you okay? You look so tired.
Joseph: Yeah, I wonder why.
[door knocking]
Joseph: Huh, I wonder who that could be.
Mary: Joseph, no more guests.
Joseph: I got it. [squeaky voice] I got it.
[Kenan, Beck and Alex enter]
Kenan: Salutations. We are three wise men.
Joseph: Cool. Come in.
Mary: Truly, Joseph. Truly.
Beck : Oh, is this the child?
Mary: Look, I know you’re all judging me because there’s no place to sit and my shawl is jacked. But just like– know that I had a baby in a barn today. Okay? Baby in a barn.
Joseph: Mary, it’s fine. Nobody cares.
Mary: I care. I have looked cute every day of my 14 year old life. And now, we have literal kings visiting. And I look like hot hummus.
Joseph: No one is thinking that.
Mary: That guy is.
Kenan: She’s right. I was thinking that.
Alex : Don’t listen to him. We care about your well being.
Mary: Well, I’m glad you care because, you know, who didn’t? Every hotel owner in Bethlehem.
Alex : Mary, Joseph, we come bearing gifts.
Beck : We the magi have brought gold, frankincense and myrrh.
Mary: Great. I heard blankets, diapers and a crib.
[door knocking]
Joseph: [shouting] Hey, you can just come in.
Mary: Urgh!
[Bobby enters with his friends]
Bobby: We’re here to see the child and a camel.
Mary: Oh, great. More dudes and an animal.
Joseph: Y’all, sorry about her. She’s being super weird today. Woud you guys like drinks or something?
All: Oh, yeah. Sure.
Joseph: Hey, Mary, these guys said they want drinks.
Mary: [looking at Joseph angrily] So?
Joseph: [confused] So, can you get them? Coz, I don’t know where we keep them.
Mary: And I’m out. Cool, guys. This has been fun. Take care of my baby for me. Bye. [Bobby is painting] What are you painting?
Bobby: I’m painting the birth of Jesus as it was and as it always will be.
Mary: Um, no. Here’s how you’re going to paint me. Alright. Serene and gorgeous with rays of light coming out of my head. And maybe I’m just posing like this.
Joseph: Mary, you’re being crazy.
Mary: I’m sorry. I guess when I found out I was going to give birth to a savior, I just assumed it was going to be nicer. Like, there would be a real bed. And I don’t know, like a doctor and no sheep poop on the floor. But everybody is looking at me and I feel puffy and I feel gross.
Joseph: Guys, I think Mary just needs some rest. Perhaps everyone can come back tomorrow?
Everybody: Okay.
[Everyone leaves]
Mary: Finally. It’s just me and my special little baby.
[light shines upon Mary]
Male voice: Mary!
Mary: The angel Gabriel. Look, Jesus was born just as you told.
Male voice: Oh, I know. But Mary, are you okay? You look tired.
Mary: Argh!
