Bill Arnold… Beck Bennett
Paula Abbott… Aidy Bryant
Janet Johnson-Luna… Cecily Strong
Kara Torkelson… Ronda Rousey
Gaven Deli… Pete Davidson
Mrs. Deli… Kate McKinnon
Defense attorney… Taran Killam
Judge… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with HLN intro]
Male voice: You’re watching HLN, Headline News. Headline counts for two letters.
We now return to HLN’s coverage of Three’s A Crime: The Janet Johnson-Luna and Kara Torkelson Civil Trial.
[Cut to Bill and Paula]
Bill: Bill Arnold along side Paula Abbott live at the Palo Alto Courthouse where another scandal has rocked this city schools.
Paula: High school teacher [Cut to Janet and Kara sitting in the court] Janet Johnson-Luna and Kara Torkelson are accused of having an inappropriate group physical encounter with their student Mr. Deli [Cut to Gaven]who is just 16 at the time.
[Cut to Mrs. Deli]
Bill: Deli’s mother is suing the defendants for emotional trauma inflicted upon her son.
[Cut to Bill and Paula]
Paula: Testimonies continues as Gaven Deli will be question by the defense.
[Cut to the courtroom]
Defense attorney: Now, Mr. Deli, can you point out your former teachers to the court?
[Cut to Gaven]
Gaven: Uh, yes. They’re right there, giving me butterflies.
[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]
Kara: Oh, my god.
Janet: So cheesy.
[Cut to Mrs. Deli]
Mrs. Deli: [yelling] Monsters!
[Cut to Judge]
Judge: Ay, wait! Mrs. Deli, please try and control yourself. Continue counsel.
[Cut to Defense attorney]
Defense attorney: Mr. Deli, do you recall the events of October 3rd, twothousandforteen? The day of the encounter?
[Cut to Gaven]
Gaven: Um, very clearly. I replay it like a movie in my head every single day.
[Cut to Defense attorney]
Defense attorney: Now your honor, I would like to present exhibit 7-A, a text conversation taken from Mr. Deli’s phone. [The TV is showing a text message from Ms. Luna] The defendant Ms. Luna texts, “I’m with Ms. Torkelson! Come over for some private tutoring”, winking emoji face. Can you describe your response Mr. Deli?
[Cut to Gaven]
Gaven: Uh, yes. Um, I responded with a GIF of a cartoon bird exiting frame so fast that his feathers fly off to imply that I was happy and on my way as quickly as possible.
[Cut to Defense attorney]
Defense attorney: Yes, you certainly were to illustrate Mr. Deli’s attitude. I’d like to show traffic camera footage of Mr. Deli’s car the moment he received Ms. Luna’s text.
[Cut to a video clip of a car recklessly driving.]
[Cut to Defense attorney]
Was that you driving Mr. Deli?
[Cut to Gaven and Judge]
Gaven: Yes, that was the second coolest thing I did that day.
Judge: [looking proud] Second coolest, I see what you did there.
[Cut to Defense attorney]
Gaven: And what happened when you arrived at Ms. Luna’s house.
[Cut to Gaven]
Gaven: Um, I ran to the front door saying, “Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!”
[Cut to Defense attorney]
Defense attorney: I see. And when did things turn sexual between the three of you?
[Cut to Gaven]
Gaven: After I walked in, I went to the bathroom. I looked at myself at the mirror and I said, “Your live begins today.” And then I came out and we got down.
[Cut to Defense attorney]
Defense attorney: And how long would you say the encounter lasted?
[Cut to Gaven]
Gaven: Um, about five hours.
[Cut to Judge looking shocked]
Judge: Oh, I remember those days.
[Cut to Defense attorney]
Defense attorney: Mr. Deli, what happened when you left Ms. Luna’s house?
[Cut to Gaven]
Gaven: I walked to the car with my arms out, kind of like, spinning in circles like a Disney princess. Like, mid song.
[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]
Janet: Oh, my god!
Kara: So corny.
[Cut to Defense attorney]
Defense attorney: And in the days following, how did your classmates learn about what had happened?
[Cut to Gaven]
Gaven: Um, I believe from me telling the story to anyone who would listen.
[Cut to Defense attorney]
Defense attorney: And were you ostracized in school because of this?
[Cut to Gaven]
Gaven: Um, no. I felt more like Forest Gump when he was running across America and people started following him because he represents hope.
[Cut to Defense attorney]
Defense attorney: Yet your mother claims your peers called you names.
[Cut to Gaven]
Gaven: Oh, yes sir. Kids called me “The chosen one”, “King of everything”, “The Revenant”, “Three’s humpany”, “Diary of a pimpy kid”, “Velociraptor”, and “My man” but like Denzel Washington says it.
[Cut to Defense attorney]
Defense attorney: Um, I’m sorry. “My man” the way Denzel Washington–
[Cut to Judge and Gaven]
Judge: Wait, wait. Let the record show the witness means, [saying it the proud way] “My man!”
[Judge claps and shakes hands with Gaven]
[Cut to Defense attorney]
Defense attorney: Yes. And did this affect your relationship with your family at all?
[Cut to Gaven]
Gaven: Oh, yes sir. My grandpa and dad were estranged. This event brought them back together.
[Cut to Gaven’s dad and grandpa sitting in the court looking proud of him.]
[Cut to Defense attorney]
Defense attorney: To illustrate Mr. Deli’s mental state in the days following here is a vine he posted the morning after the encounter.
[Cut to Gaven’s vine video. He is dancing willy and happily.]
[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]
Janet: I can’t with this kid.
Kara: What a dork.
[Cut to Judge and Gaven]
Judge: Alright, you know what? We’ll take a short recess and then we’ll resume testimony from My Man!
[Gaven and Judge high fives]
[Cut to Bill and Paula]
Paula: Wow, absolutely riveting testimony.
Bill: I know, that kid rules. At 16, I was still all about playing with legos. More after this.
[Cut to HLN outro]
[The End]
