Tortino’s Pizza Rolls


Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with six men watching the game and celebrating the scores]

Vanessa: My husband and his friends love to watch the big game. But all their cheering and shouting can make them pretty hungry.

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

That’s why I love Totino’s Pizza Rolls. The only game time snack that satisfies my hungry guys. And Tortino’s Pizza Rolls aren’t just delicious. They’re also easy to make. Simply–

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

Wow, there really is a lot happening fast in this big game. So this Super Bowl–

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

–why not treat your hungry guys–

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

–to the delicious taste of Tortino’s.

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

If they’re anything like my hungry guys–

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

–they’ll love these cheesy bites–

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

–more than their favorite team.

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling] [microwave sound] [Vanessa brings in the Tortino’s Pizza Rolls to the guys]

Guys, the Tortino’s are ready. Hope I’m not interrupting the big game.

[The guys are staring at the TV but the TV is off.]

There’s nothing on the TV. The screen is completely black.

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

Steven! What’s going on! What have you guys been shouting at this whole time?

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling] [Vanessa drops all the Tortino’s Pizza Rolls]

Okay, ha-ha. Very funny, Steven.

[Vanessa picks up scissors]

Cut it out!

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

Why are you doing this? Britney! Get in the car!

[Vanessa’s husband and friends shout and look at Vanessa. Their eyes are all black.]

What’s happening to my hungry guys?

[Cut to The X Files video bumper]

Male voice: The X Files, new episodes, Mondays at eight.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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