Dave Chappelle
Negan
Tyrone Biggums
Andy Johnston
Donnell Rawlings
Chuck Taylor
Lil’ Jon
Clayton Bigsby
[Starts with Dave Chappelle in the SNL stage]Dave Chappelle: You know, gang, all week long people have been asking me if I was going to do any characters from Chappelle show tonight. And at first, I wasn’t going to. And then, I saw that episode of Walking Dead where they smash this guy Glenn on head and killed him… I know, it was devastating, coz I love that show and Glenn was one of my favorite characters. So, I was like, frust. So, in that spirit and with that in mind, I hope you enjoy this.
Negan: I just cannot decide. [He has a baseball bat with throned wire on it] Which one of you is gonna dance with death tonight. [There are few men on their knees before Negan] Wait, I got an idea. Bubblegum, bubblegum in a dish, how many pieces do you wish?
[Cut to Tyrone Biggums scratching his neck]Tyrone Biggums: Bubblegum? I’d like two please. My mouth feels dry
Negan: Oh, he’s a feisty one. I like that.
Tyrone Biggums: Well, with all due respect, Mr. Negan, in my line of work, when you’re on your knees, they won’t give you bubblegum. They give you penis.
Negan: Shut up!
Andy Johnston: A nigga named Negan. I think you look more like a Stephane. Your face looks like Nigro league.
Donnell Rawlings: [laughing] Stop it, you’re killing him.
Andy Johnston: Them some ugly ass boots you got on there. As the white boys say on the internet, what… are those?
Negan: Something funny to you, Drippy? Dry and brittle jerry curl. Disgrace! [looks at another man] Look at this pasty bastard.
Chuck Taylor: Oh god, no. [starts crying]
Andy Johnston: God! Have some god damn respect for yourself.
Negan: Man the fuck up.
Chuck Taylor: What do you want? Money? Sex? Sex, isn’t it?
Tyrone Biggums: I’ll try some sex.
Chuck Taylor: I have a wife.
Lil’ Jon: What?
Chuck Taylor: I have a wife.
Lil’ Jon: What?
Chuck Taylor: I have a wife.
Lil’ Jon: Okay.
Chuck Taylor: Come on, man! All lives matter. All of us, right?
Andy Johnston: No, black lives don’t.
Lil’ Jon: Kill us for what?
Negan: Well, well, well.
Clayton Bigsby: I know that smell in a way. Frustration and cocoa butter. Looks like we got us a negro monsters. Put that down, monkey!
Negan: Monkey? Don’t you realize you’re black?
Clayton Bigsby: Yeah. For what I hear, this hat will say otherwise. [wears Trump’s ‘make America Great Again’ red hat] Trump’s America now, boy.
Chuck Taylor: [whispering] It sure is.
Negan: Well, I stand corrected. Seems like a lot of you still got some fight in you. It’s good. I like that. Makes it more fun. You can breathe, you can blink, you can cry–
Lil’ Jon: Hah?
Negan: Yeah. A lot of you will be doing some of that.
Tyrone Biggums: Nice.
[Negan hits Tyrone Biggums’s head off his body.] [Tyrone Biggums’s head falls down on a rock. He’s still looking at Negan.]Hey, Negan, which one of us are you going to hit? The suspense is killing me.
Negan: Taking it like a champ.
[Negan hits Tyrone Biggums’s head with the bat, but his head rolls away.]Tyrone Biggums: Strike one.
Lil’ Jon: Yeah.
[Negan hits Tyrone Biggums’s head with the bat again, but his head rolls away.]Tyrone Biggums: Strike two. Gotta be faster. Body! Help me out!
[Tyrone Biggums’s body runs and picks his head up.]Andy Johnston: Note to self, remind me to try crack.
Tyrone Biggums: As long as we as a nation begin to heal, through laughing together. [everything disappears and we can only see his head on blue background.] For even though our country seems irrevocably severed like a man from his head, let my example prove that we should continue to move forward. Let us see ourselves in one another. For only empathy can conquer hate. I am every man. I am every woman. It’s all in me. Everything you want done baby, I do it naturally.
[Cut back to Tyrone Biggums’s body holding his head]Now let’s break out, y’all. I only got two months until they take away my health care. Body, if you will?
[Tyrone Biggums’s body starts running with his head in his hands.]