Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Ted Cruz at left top corner.]
At the GOP debate, Donald Trump defended his concerns about whether Ted Cruz who was born in Canada to an American mother is eligible to be president saying, “There is a big question mark on your head.” But there’s also a big question ark on Trump’s head if the wind hits him just right.[Picture changes to Donald Trump where his hair is blown by the wind to make a question mark.] [Picture changes to Iranian flag and US flag]
US officials today announced that Iran is releasing five detained Americans in exchange for seven Iranians held by the US. President Obama praised the deal while an outraged Ben Carson said, “He wouldn’t be satisfied with any deal that didn’t include the prisoner of Askaban.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A new poll shows that Bernie Sanders leads Hillary Clinton by 19 points among female millennial voters who like his proposal such as free college tuition. But I don’t know. Typically, when young women trust some old dude who promises to pay for their college doesn’t always end well.
The NFL announced that the Saint Louis Rams will return to Los Angeles which I knew was coming the second I saw their mascot got some work done.[Picture changes to an Oscar award]
The Oscar nominations were announced Thursday and for the second year in a row, people are complaining about the lack of diversity among nominees. But as a person of color, I’d be happy if the Academy just nominated movies that people actually see. I mean, are you telling me that anybody here has actually seen ‘Room’? Or ‘Brooklyn’? Or ‘The Golden Moon’? You’re lying, coz I made that last one up! If you want people to watch the Academy awards, you have to give us something we can root for. Just imagine how excited kids would be to see ‘Star Wars’ win. Or black people to see ‘Straight Outta Compton’ win. Or how excited Colin would be to see ‘Staten Island Summer’ nominated.[Cut to Colin Jost giving thumb-up] [Cut to Michael Che]
The Oscars should showcase more of the movies that people actually watch. Like porno! Why can’t porn be nominated? Oh, what? You’re telling me it’s okay to watch movies about people killing and dying and explosions and death, and that’s all perfectly fine. But if I wanna watch two people make love I gotta close my laptop, I’m disturbing the other passengers? Who’s really the sick one?