Bobby Moynihan[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Michael Che: Good evening everyone.
Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of snow blizzard in New York city at right top corner.]
As a result of the massive blizzard that has hit the east coast, the officials have banned cars from the road, shut down half the subway lines and advised everyone to remain at home. The one guy ignoring these warnings, my boss. [Picture changes to Lorne Michaels] Yay![Picture changes to snow blizzard in New York city]
New York mayor Bill De Blasio said with winter storm Jonas expected to dump 20 inches of snow, New York city is in “Uncharted Territory.” But not everyone agrees. On location with report is your friend who always says it’s not that bad.
How’s it going out there, man?
Bobby Moynihan: Hi everybody.
Michael Che: How is it?
Bobby Moynihan: Seriously dude, it’s not that bad.[Cut to Michael Che]
Michael Che: Well, there you have it. I guess it’s not that bad.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sarah Palin and Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Good to know. This week, Sarah Palin formally endorsed Donald Trump for president. Either that or she saw an open microphone and decided to say all the words she knew in random order.
In rally in Iowa today, Donald Trump spoke about how loyal his supporters are and this is what he said.[Cut to Donald Trump speaking at the podium]
Donald Trump: Stand in the middle of 5th avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters, okay? It’s like, incredible.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: I mean, what are you doing here, man! You’re bragging that your supporters love you so much, they’re okay with you just murdering for sport? You know that’s not what a president does, right? You’re not running for president of Hunger Games. I mean between that and this and Sarah Palin’s endorsement, I’m starting to think Trump is just seeing how crazy he can go. Like a velociraptor testing the fences at Jurassic Park. Coz if Trump escapes and becomes president, hold onto your butts. [Picture changes to Samuel L. Jackson from Jurassic Park.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: And is Trump seriously just now realizing that his supporters are a bunch of window licking water heads? Donald, you are talking to the craziest people in the country. You could literally take off your shoe mid speed hold it up to your hear, say you’re getting a call from Batman and they’d be quiet until you hung up your shoe.[Picture changes to Oscar award]
The producers of this years Oscars are reportedly trying to find black presenters to counter the boycott by black actors. So the Oscars are solving racism by making black people to present white people with gold.[Picture changes to Jada Pinkett Smith, Tyrese Gibson and Snoop Dogg]
Other black celebrities boycotting the Oscars including Jada Pinkett Smith, Tyrese Gibson and Snoop Dogg. You know, boycott is a very strong word for not attending a party you were never invited to. That’s like the Jets boycotting the Superbowl. [audience yelling ‘boo’] Okay, let’s not say boycott. Let’s just say took the hint. I’m not watching anyway. The Oscar ceremony is so long and white and boring, it may actually win an Oscar. The only part I will watch is the one black guy [Picture changes to Chris Rock] but probably like three hours after it airs and on World Star Hip Hop. And if you don’t know what that is, you probably saw [Picture changes to a cover picture of a movie ‘Brooklyn’.] Brooklyn. There’s nothing more infuriating to Spike Lee than nominating a movie called ‘Brooklyn’ starring only white people. That’s just rubbing it in.