Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Republican’s logo at left top corner.]
Well, we have real actual breaking news here tonight. Less than an hour ago, the republicans held a presidential debate at New Hampshire and things got off to a real rocky start. Here is actual footage of Ben Carson’s entrance where the one thing he forgot to do was enter.[Cut to video clip from Republicans presidential debate] [Chris Christie walking]
Male voice: New Jersey governor, Chris Christie.
Female voice: Dr. Ben Carson.
Colin Jost: Oh man! Of all people, you’d never expect Ben Carson to fall asleep at the wheel. But don’t worry. Look, he’s a neurosurgeon, he’ll figure things out.[Cut to video clip of Ben Carson moving forward]
Male voice: Texas senator, Ted Cruz.[Ben Carson stops again and looks behind at Ted Cruz walking and he lets him pass and he waits.] [Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Oh, that was Ted Cruz as he has always been, very helpful to Ben Carson. I just loved that the stage hand waved at Ben Carson to get on the stage and Ben Carson just stared at him so long that even the stage hang just gave up. But don’t worry. While Dr. Carson was back there, he made a friend.[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump and Ben Carson standing together] [Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Those two won’t even enter the debate. That’s how badly they want to be outsiders. But the ending– the ending, was my favorite part.[Cut to Donald Trump and Ben Carson standing]
Female voice: Former Florida governor, Jeb Bush.[Jeb Bush walks pass them] [Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: What a great look from Jeb. And that is something you will never see again, Jeb Bush passing Donald Trump.
There was also a debate this week between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, which was hosted by MSNBC and broadcast at 500 decibels.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Donald Trump finished second in the voting between Ted Cruz and third place finisher Marco Rubio, turning Trump into what he loves the most, a lose surrounded by Hispanics.[Picture changes to Donald Trump’s photo in the middle of Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio’s photos.] [Picture changes to Barack Obama]
On his first visit to a US mosque, president Obama called on television producers to create Muslim characters that are not related to issues of national security. Although, Mr. President, if you really want to reach TV producers, say it at a Synagogue.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ted Cruz and his wife.]
Colin Jost: Ted Cruz’s wife revealed that when he needs to relieve stress, Ted calls her and sings Broadway show tunes. It’s something most couple refer to as ‘Irreconcilable differences’. And by the way, if you’re wondering, Ted Cruz’s favorite musical is rent, because he loves how it depicts a young artist with New York values, dying without access to affordable healthcare.