Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Republican logo at left top corner.]
Tonight’s GOP debate just ended in South Carolina and Donald Trump was repeatedly boo-ed throughout the evening. Here’s a quick clip of Trump responding to Jeb Bush.[Cut to split screen of Jeb Bush and Donald Trump.]
Donald Trump: Jeb is so wrong. Jeb is absolutely– [audience boo-ing] [Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: And the crazy thing is all Jeb said was, “It’s great to be here in South Carolina.” And also, don’t you guys know? You can’t boo Donald Trump. He doesn’t hear boo’s. If you boo Donald Trump, in his head, it’s just this.[Cut to split screen of Jeb Bush and Donald Trump.]
Donald Trump: Jeb is so wrong. Jeb is absolutely– [edited clip of girls cheering] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Democrat’s logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: At the Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders both made consorted efforts to appeal to African-American voters. One, a lot more than the other. [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton wearing Beyonce outfit.]
At the end of that debate, Hillary pulled hot-sauce out her bag.
This week, Benie Sanders met with Al Sharpton at Sylvia’s restaurant in Harlem. And let’s just say they did not tip well.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton at their podiums at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: During the democratic debate, Hillary Clinton attacked Bernie Sanders saying that he needs to be more honest with voters about the difficulty of accomplishing many of his proposals. While Clinton’s critics say she has to be honest with voters about–[funny music playing] [A list appears] [List- Benghazi, private email server, Goldman Sachs speaking fees, whitewater, healthcare gate, troopergate, travelgate, filegate, paradongate, mishandling of classified emails, lied about sniper fire in Bosnia, questionable profits from selling cattle futures, Vince Foster, support of DOMA, support of don’t ask don’t tell, questionable use of Clinton Foundation Donations, Clinton Foundation conflicts on interest, Clinton Foundation tax returns, took furniture from White House.]
All that stuff and– [funny music playing and list appears again] Oh, there’s more?[List- Did not declare gifts from King of Morocco, used influence to have brother appointed to Haiti mining company, campaigns of intimidation against opponents, Sydney blumenthal advice, connection to Radical Saul Alinsky, pressured Huma Abedin to divorce Anthony Weiner, connection to Peter Franklin Paul, missing law firm billing records, conflicts of interest in foggy bottom, received campaign funds from Iranian government, sale of uranium to Russia in exchange for donations, IRS audit against conservative groups.]
You gotta be honest about that.[Picture changes to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump promised this week that he will stop using profanity and other vulgar language on the campaign trail saying, “As we get closer, you will be shocked at how presidential I’ll be.” Adding, “You’ll love it so much, you’ll cream your jeans.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Beyonce at right top corner.]
Michael Che: This week, Beyonce faced outrage for her controversial half time performance. But also, no she didn’t. Can we just stop overusing the word ‘outrage’? When did ‘outrage’ go from pitchforks and torches to strongly worded tweets? I mean, even if you were outraged, what are you really gonna do about it? What? Stop listening to Beyonce? Impossible! She’s too good. She’s like the Beyonce of music. And the better you are at something, the more you can get away with. You know, not a long ago, there was an actual petition to kick Justin Bieber out of the country just for being a horrible person. And then we heard that song ‘Sorry’ and we were like, “Ah, you can stay man.” People got mad when Kanye tweeted Bill Cosby is innocent this week. But my first thought was, “Damn! Kanye’s new album must be dope!” And it is! When you’re that dope, you can say whatever you want. My grandmother is the most prejudiced person I know and we all ignore it. Why? Because she is Beyonce of sweet potato pies.