Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of Donald Trump, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz at left top corner.]
Wow, where do we even start this week? [Michael Che laughing] Somehow with OJ Simpson. [Picture changes to OJ Simpson.] How surreal was that yesterday? I was watching CNN and they were like, “We interrupt this coverage of Donald Trump talking about the size of his hands to bring you an exciting update in the OJ Simpson murder investigation.” I was like, “Wow! FX is realy going all in it’s marketing campaign.” Then the LAPD holds a press conference and they say, “Here is what we know so far. A construction worker found a knife at OJ’s house and he gave the knife to one of our cops. And the cops said, “Cool. Free knife. I’d better hand on to his for 18 years.” Then I guess he saw the show on FX and he was like, “Oh! That OJ Simpson.” So, in the end, the whole point of the LAPD press conference was just saying, “Hey guys, remember how we got accused of mishandling evidence like, 20 years ago? Well, we still got it.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson at right top corner.]
Michael Che: On Friday, Ben Carson formally ended his presidential campaign. Said Carson, [acting like Ben Carson] “My what now?” With Carson dropping out, this was not a good week for black guys who may have stabbed people. [Picture changes to OJ Simpson.]
Also this week, [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton and Katy Perry on a stage] Hillary Clinton hosted a fundraiser at New York city’s Radio City music hall bringing out a star studded lineup that included singer Katy Perry. So yeah, Bill was there. [Picture changes to Bill Clinton] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: During Thursday’s republican debate, Donald Trump went on record and guaranteed that he doesn’t have a small penis. First of all, congratulations… just to America. Second, I wanna point out that if women have problems with Donald Trump on a physical level, penis size is not even in their top 10 complaints. You don’t hear a lot of women say, “I’m pretty much there on Donald Trump sexually. Just waiting on the dong measurement.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of GOP debate at right top corner.]
Michael Che: And unlike republicans, I don’t want to sink to that level of talking about penis size, but since we’re here, you know who I feel bad for is Ben Carson. He picked a hell of a time to drop out. Coz there is no way he doesn’t have the biggest penis of them all. Not because he’s black. But because he’s a little slow.
Colin Jost: I don’t know how I get it. Bernie Sanders raised over $40 million from donors this month. Sanders’ campaign is now so rich, it’s voting for Hillary Clinton.