Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at left top corner.]

Early today actually, Bernie Sanders won the democratic caucus in Wyoming, his fifth consecutive victory in the primaries. And after winning five in a row, he instinctively shouted, “Bingo!”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

According to the latest gallup pole, 70% of women have unfavorable view of Donald Trump. While the other 30% have no view at all because they were pepper sprayed at one of his rallies.

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]

While campaigning in New York, Hillary Clinton rode the subway, but it took her five times to swipe her metro card… before realizing that she was actually swiping her Goldman Sachs American Express card. Hillary only rode the subway one stop, though she did make $4 with her break dance crew. [Picture changes to a made up break dance crew of Hillary Clinton]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Bernie Sanders was criticized after he inaccurately said that people riding the New York city subway still use tokens. But in fairness, Bernie actually does still use tokens… in his campaigns! [audience reacting ‘Aw’] Aw? Oh, none of you were there.

[Colin Jost laughing]

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton in a subway.]

While campaigning in New York, Hillary Clinton rode the subway one stop. Not to be outdone, Ted Cruz dragged the slice of pizza down the step with his teeth. [Picture changes to made up Ted Cruz on floor with a pizza in his mouth]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’ a picture of Ted Cruz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And Ted Cruz, I’d just like to say on behalf of all New Yorkers, please don’t come here. Okay? You don’t like our New York values and we don’t like you. I mean I never thought I’d actually say this to anyone but he doesn’t deserve to eat in our Bubba Gump Shrimp company. Okay? I mean, even the Time Square Elmo was like, “I don’t wanna take a picture with this guy.” And after your weird veil anti-semitic comments about New York values, you went and made a matzo at a Jewish bakery? What are you doing next? Rolling out the first pitch at a lesbian kickball game? We don’t have values in New York. That’s why we all came to New York. To escape weird people with values like you. So please, don’t criticize New York unless you’re a New Yorker. And your’e not a real New Yorker until you’ve walked into your apartment and found a rat masturbating on your couch. Okay? Then you can criticize New York. But not that much because that rat does pay half the rent.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of inside of a subway at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, candidates are not going to appeal to the New Yorkers by choosing to ride the subway. New Yorkers don’t ride the subway because we like to. We ride the subway because we have to. It’s the last place any of us want to be, unless you really to buy batteries, candies or porno at 9 AM. Or you really enjoy hearing a Puerto Rican teenager call a white lady the N word. Or maybe you just wanna stand in a sticky puddle and guess, “Is this urine or snapple?” Or perhaps you’ve always wanted to see the world’s largest penis on the world’s poorest man. Other than that, there’s no reason to enjoy ride in the subway. In fact, the last person I would ever vote for is somebody I met on the subway.