Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che[cheers and applause [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at left top corner.]
During this week’s democratic debate Bernie Sanders said he will release his tax returns but said they’re boring because he’s “One of the poorest members of the senate.” So now he’s just bragging about how poor he is. At this point Bernie is just an opposite Trump. [speaking like Donald Trump] “I’m so poor. I got the smallest house. And check out my daughter, she’s 52.” [picture changes to Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders] They really are like cartoon opposites. I mean, Trump’s wife was a model. Bernie’s wife is doing his taxes. Trump spends two hours a day on his hair. Bernie’s barber is the wind. The only way Bernie could be more opposite is if he built a tunnel to Mexico and then made America pay for it.
Michael Che: During a speech this week, Hillary Clinton called for women to get equal pay saying there’s no discount for being a woman. But on the other hand, [picture changes to a alcohol bar] bars.[Picture changes to people’s rally in Washington Square Park.]
On Wednesday, several thousand people in New York city met in Washington Square Park for a rally in support of Bernie Sanders and some of them weren’t homeless.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Donald Trump has received the endorsement of the New York Observer which is published by his son-in-law. Well, Ted Cruz failed to get the endorsement of his family’s Christmas newsletter.[Picture changes to NFL logo]
A new study was released showing that 40% of retired NFL players have signs of traumatic brain injury. The study was conducted by looking at the suits they wear on TV.