Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
The NRA in Friday officially endorsed Donald Trump. I assume because they didn’t do a background check. If they had, they would have seen that when President Obama called for gun control in the wake of the Newtown shooting, Donald Trump tweeted, [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “President Obama spoke for me and every American in his remarks in #Newtown Connecticut.” He wrote #Newtown but forgot to write “#MightHaveToCompletelyChangeMyViewsIfIEndUpBeingARepublican”.
Ultimately though, it does make sense that NRA would endorse Trump because Trump himself is kind of like a gun. We think he’s gonna make us feel safe and strong but he might end up accidentally killing us.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a gun at right top corner.]
Michael Che: During the speech to the NRA, Trump claimed that Hillary Clinton would abolish the second amendment which is just not true. Look, NRA, nobody is trying to take your guns away from you. We understand how much you need them for the apocalypse and your daughter’s wedding and two fried bacon on. Look, and it’s easy form me to say because I’m from big fancy New York city and I never have to must get a pass him in the face for suffer, but I assure you, nobody is trying to take you precious guns away from you. Except maybe a curious toddler. Which ironically is exactly why Hillary Clinton is trying to prevent this.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: We also got a glimpse this week in how Hillary and Trump would each respond in a crisis after the Egypt air flight went down. Hillary said, “Let’s wait and get all the facts.” Trump said, “If anyone doesn’t think it got blown out of the sky, you’re 100% wrong.” Trump was 100% certain. Keep in mind, he was also 100% certain that people would want to buy steaks at the Sharper Image. I’d love to watch an episode of Law and Order with Donald Trump. The first guy walks in, “He did it! 100%.” And I’m like, “Donald, that’s Ice Tea. [Picture changes to rapper Ice Tea] He’s one of the detectives.”
[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un.]
During the interview this week, Donald Trump said that if he becomes president, he would be willing to talk directly with North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un. Most likely in a thick Korean accent with squinty eyes.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton and democratic logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: According to delegate count, Hillary Clinton is fewer than 100 delegates away from her party’s presidential nomination. Which explains Hillary’s new campaign slogan, “Finish Him!!”.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A new poll shows that New Jersey governor Chris Christie’s approval rating is now at an all time low. Coming in more than 10 points below Bon Jovi playing the new stuff. It’s low. Still at an all time high though, his belt!
[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of George Zimmerman at right top corner.]
Michael Che: An anonymous bidder has paid nearly $140,000 in an auction for the gun George Zimmerman used to shoot Trayvon Martin. And all he has to do to collect the money is meet the anonymous buyer at midnight on the corner of 146th in Malcolm X Boulevard.
