Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Well, it happened. Donald Trump has secured the republican nomination and no matter how many times I say that, it still sounds less like a headline and more like the ominous beginning of a Star Wars movie. And even though this has been coming for months, everyone still seems shocked. Even Trump said he was surprised. I bet if you told Trump a year ago that he’d be the republican nominee, he would have said, “But I’m a democrat.” And remember, Donald Trump promised that once he got the nomination he was gonna be “So presidential”, which is why the first thing he did on Cinco de Mayo was tweet out a [picture changes to Donald Trump eating taco bowl in his office desk.] photo of himself eating a taco bowl with a caption saying, “I love Hispanics.” First of all, a taco bowl sounds like what Trump would call a group of Mexicans in a hot tub. Also, dude, clean your office. I mean look at you. You’re eating off a stack of newspapers like a world’s richest hamster. And you’re giving a type of weird thumbs up you usually see from a brain damaged boxer.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s the same picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Let’s look around that office. He’s got loose blueprints just lying around like he’s Howard Hughes. He’s got framed photos all of himself stacked three deep and he has not one but two bobbleheads of Donald Trump planking what I can only assume is a tiny Oscar trophy he made for himself for his work in Home Alone II. [Picture changes to a scene from Donald Trump’s part in Home Alone II]
I still can’t believe that republicans let Donald Trump win the nomination fair and square. I mean if there was ever a time to cheat, this would be it. I don’t even know you guys counted votes. All this time, the other republican nominees were selected by a secret society of rich old white dudes playing butt naked leap frog in a sacred temple. And you actually count votes. I feel so lied to. I mean where is that spooky right wing illuminati when you need em’? ReallY?
You know, I’m starting to think you guys aren’t lizard people at all.
Colin Jost: Here’s my prediction, okay? I really think now that Trump has the nomination, he’s gonna become president. Okay? People don’t like to admit it in public, but they secretly really like Trump. Everywhere I go I’m like, “You guys like Trump?” And they’re like, “Boo, no.” And then I’m like, “Are you gonna vote for him?” And they’re like, “Probably.” And yes, a lot of people hate Trump, but don’t forget, a lot of people hate Hillary too. [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton] No one’s really happy with either of these choices. It’s like if you’re in the mood for soup, so you go to the diner to get some soup. But the only two options they have left are pumpkin corn chowder or Hillary Clinton. And they’re like, “On second thought, I’m not that hungry.”