Weekend Update 1


Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well it’s been one week since Trump became the presumptive nominee and so far so good. This week the Washington Post were released a recording of Donald Trump posing as a fake publicist named John Miller to brag about his business deals and a sexual conquest. Trump is denying that it’s him. Let’s listen to the tape.

[Cut to the subtitles. The recording is playing.]

Recording: He’s coming out to a, you know, a marriage and he’s starting to do tremendously well financially. He’s probably doing as well as anybody there is.”

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Come on! That’s Trump. Exhibit a use of the word ‘tremendously’. There’s only two times I’ve ever heard the word ‘tremendously’. From Donald Trump and from recordings of Donald Trump.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: John Miller is such a lazy first thought made up name too, but that’s like what Trump does. Everything he says just sounds like he’s on the speed round of Family Fued. Give us a fake name. Um, John Miller. Foreign policy? Build a wall. Megan Kelly? Oh, it’s bleeding. KKK? Pass. You know, if only there was a way but Trump to prove that John Miller is an actual person. Oh, I know. How about you show us John Miller’s birth certificate. Don’t you got a guy that can do that?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, if Donald Trump truly believes that’s not his voice on the phone, then I think we might have a fight club situation. I mean, I know his rallies are fight club, but I think John Miller might be his Tyler Durden, which also explains Trump’s confidence because every time he looks in the mirror, he sees Brad Pitt.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’ s picture of Donald Trump and a lice at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new poll, 54% of Americans prefer lice to Donald Trump. Which is weird because lice already dropped out. [Picture changes to Ted Cruz] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Newt Gingrich and Dan Quayle at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: But this week, Donald Trump was officially endorsed by Newt Gingrich and Dan Quayle. You know, the best guys and the smartest guys.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton and democratic logo at left top corner.]

Michael Che: Hillary Clinton said that a number of Republicans who don’t support Donald Trump have been reaching out to her. She didn’t say which Republicans, but I bet I can name at least one off the top of my Jeb. [Picture changes to Jeb Bush.]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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