Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton shaking hands at left to corner.]
Well. [cheers and applause] Hey. [Michael Che laughing] Well, the first presidential debate is over and it’s official, we still have to choose between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. It’s like choosing a phone right now. [Picture changes to a hand holding a phone] There’s really only two options. We don’t want the iPhone 7 [picture changes to Hillary Clinton] coz it feels like it’s kind of being forced on us, also it’s not necessarily an improvement. But also, we don’t want the Samsung Galaxy [Picture changes to Donald Trump] which could explode at any minute.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]
Michael Che: You know, I don’t even know what I expect to learn from this debate. It’s like when you wake up hungry and there’s nothing in your fridge, but you check again twenty minutes later as if something good is gonna magically appear, but nope! Just tang and prunes.
Colin Jost: [laughing] It’s a weird fridge.
Michael Che: [laughing] It didn’t feel like I was watching a debate. It felt like I was watching a divorced couple fight for custody of a kid that hates them both. [audience laughing] It’s kind of like Brad and Angelina [Picture changes to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie] but if Brand Pitt only wanted to keep the white kids.[audience laughing] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Presidential Debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]
Colin Jost: And look, I gotta say, I did debate in high school and it was way more sophisticated than whatever that was. I never got stumped in a high school debate and blurred it out, “Yeah, well Rosie O’Donnell is still a bitch!” And this is got to be a first presidential debate in history where afterwards people were genuinely asking, “Were they on drugs?”[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Michael Che: [laughing] Well, speaking of drugs, Donald Trump was criticized for suggesting a nation wide stoping frisk.
Colin Jost: Yeah.
Michael Che: And of course, Donald Trump is for it because Donald Trump would never be stopped and frisked. You know, they only stop and frisk people like me, okay? And that’s why it’s not fair. Granted, if you stop and frisk everybody that looks like me, you’re gonna find a lot of drugs. [audience laughing] But! If you stop and frisk everybody that looks like Colin, you’re gonna find better drugs![audience laughing] [cheers and applause]
Colin Jost: You know? I had fun.
The consensus after the debate was that Hillary won but Donald Trump went online and found some weird internet poll that said he won the debate. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] But now, I’m worried he’s gonna be distracted for the next debate because he also found out there are bunch of [picture changes to porn ad scam that says ‘hot and horny singles Your Area!!’] hot and horny singles in his are.[audience laughing] [Cut to Michael Che]
Michael Che: But as bad as Trump is doing, Hillary is only barely doing any better than him. So no matter who wins, this is gonna be a ‘Rebuilding’ season for America. And that’s gonna be tough for us to handle because America’s basically the New York Yankees of countries right now, which is so used to winning and dominating, but sometimes you lose your charismatic biracial leader [Picture changes to Aaron Judge and Barack Obama] and you still gotta start all over again.[audience laughing] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton waving at the public wearing a loose shirt at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: And right now, Hillary needs to stop celebrating that she won the first debate. It’s like she’s in a wrestling ring shrouding around like the match is over and she doesn’t notice that right behind her, Chris Christie is handing Trump a folding chair. [audience laughing] Hillary can’t even gloat well. She just got over pneumonia and this is actually how she came out on campaign trip.[Cut to a video clip of Hillary Clinton walking to the campaign tour stage doing very well. ‘I Feel Good’ by James Brown playing in the background] [Cut to Colin Jost]
She came out to James Brown’s ‘I feel good’. I just want to point out that James Brown died of pneumonia.[audience whooping]
What?[Cut to Michael Che shaking his head]
Michael Che: If she actually had black friends, she would have knew that.