Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Wolf Blitzer at left top corner.]
Well this week, we almost heard Wolf Blitzer say “Pussy”. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Audio was released of Donald Trump making extremely lewd comments about women which many people think could cost him the election. Or as Trump put at this morning, [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Certain has been an interesting 24 hours. [Cut to Colin Jost] Wow, way to read the mood of the country. You’re caught saying one of the most upsetting things we’ve ever heard and your response is, “Well, we all had fun.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: I somehow honestly thought Donald Trump had peaked on the wackadoo meter. Turns out he’s got another gear. How is that even possible? Is he going for the record? [Picture changes to Barry Bonds] This is like when Barry Bonds had all time great career and then did steroids. [Picture changes to Donald Trump You started your campaign accusing Mexicans of being rapist. Now you’re on tape explaining how you sexually assault women. The only way that could be more hypocritical if that if you said it in Spanish.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump getting off a bus at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: First, Trump tried to brush it off as just locker room talk. Which locker room? Penn state? And this isn’t just how guys talk. It’s not how humans talk, okay? I don’t even know if he knows how sex works. First phase is kissing, and then you keep running right into the stands and just start grabbing genitals. [Picture changes to Donald Trump at left top corner.] And you know this isn’t even the worst thing he has ever said. This is just the worst thing he said to Billy Bush while might on Access Hollywood bus.
Michael Che: The most telling thing Trump said was they’ll let you do anything because you’re a celebrity. So you’re literally explaining your entitlement. And speaking of entitlement, dear old rich white dudes, just always assume you’re being recorded. You’ll fall for this every two years. You’ve lost sports teams because of this, movie careers, and now a presidential election. Tape recorders have done more damage to old rich white dudes than tennis elbow.[Cut to Colin Jost.]
Colin Jost: And it’s amazing now to see republicans scrambling to get away from Trump now. Like, this is the one deal breaker. And you know who else came out and condemned Trump’s remarks? tic tacs. [Cut to Tic Tac USA’s twitter that says ‘Tic Tac respects all women. We find the recent statements and behavior completely inappropriate and unacceptable.] Like the actual breath mints came out and tweeted in support of women. [Cut to Colin Jost] And they should support women coz now if you’re a woman and if you hear tic tac shaking in someone’s pocket, it’s like hearing the Jaw’s theme. Or, in the other hand, tic tacs could just run right at it.[Cut to tic tac commercial]
Male voice: Tic tac, grab bad breath by the p***y.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a tic tac at right top corner.]
Michael Che: [laughing] That’s a great ad. And just to clarify, the solution for your urges to randomly mouth kiss and crotch grab unsuspected women is tic tacs? Dude, I don’t think the problem women have with sexual assault is bad breath. That’s like Bill Cosby using Acosta for one of his love potions. And by the way, you might wanna take it easy on those tic tacs coz I think they might be turning your skin orange.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Then last night, Trump apologized the way a drunk ex would… at midnight on Facebook.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Bill Clinton at right top corner.]
Michael Che: He said that Bill Clinton has told him must worse on the golf course. But you know Bill Clinton said it way smoother than that. [Colin Jost laughing] How can we trust this guy with our nation’s secrets when he’s just immediately willing to rat on all of his friends? I know Bill’s at home watching like, “What the hell, bro? You just sell me out? After I showed you my tic tac trick?”
You know Bill knows something about them tic tacs.
Colin Jost: Yeah. I’m just excited to see the debate tomorrow coz you know it’s the first time Trump’s ever gonna be like, “Can we please just focus on the issues?”