Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of arm protesters at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The arm protesters in Oregon after they made a plea for supplies and were sent a box containing sex toys. They were so upset, you could hear them loudly moaning about it.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Applebee’s logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Wow! A woman in California is claiming that she found a severed fingertip in an Applebee’s salad. Despite their promise to only add a tip for parties of six or more.[Picture changes to
According to reports, former New York city mayor Mike Bloomberg has secretly commissioned a poll last month to see how he would do if he ran for president as a third party candidate. And I for one would love to see Bloomberg run against Trump. They’re both New York billionaires, yet they’re so different. It’s like the political version of the movie Twins. Bloomberg, he looks like he’d speak softly and carry a big stick. Trump looks like he yell loudly while his goons beat you with sticks. Or maybe they should just team up. Trump is always saying, “I’m gonna get the smartest guys.” Bloomberg is the smartest guy. He could be the whole branch to the operation and live inside Trump like Krang from Ninja Turtles. But mostly I just want to see Bloomberg at a campaign rally in Mississippi and he tells everyone he’s taking their sodas away and they just rip him to pieces. Plus, if we follow a black president from Chicago with a Jewish president from New York, the south is definitely gonna secede again. How do we even top that? We’d have to find a Muslim president from Hollywood. Pressure’s on, [Picture changes to Naveen Andrews in the series Lost] Sayid from Lost.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a ‘GuyFi’ booth at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A British sex toy company has constructed a private booth in New York city for men to masturbate in. Good! Coz I’m getting tired of doing it in Colin’s office.
Colin Jost: Wait, what?
Michael Che: Ah! I’m kidding man. I would never… get tired of masturbating in your office.
Colin Jost: Come on, man! I sleep in there.[Picture changes to a cigarette with written “Second-hand smoke”]
Michael Che: A new study finds that nearly half of non-smoking teenagers in the US are exposed to second hand smoke. While the other half don’t have step-dads.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Arizona map and a police car at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Wow! Big step-dad’s crew here tonight. Arizona police arrested a man who traveled all the way from Pennsylvania to have sex with a horse. I mean, is that why he said he was there? Because if so, he definitely came to do something way worse. “Hey you, what are you doing?” “Me? Nothing. I was just gonna have sex with a horse. Okay, you got me. I’m ISIS.”[Picture changes to science experiment equipment]
A new study finds that the most common names of geniuses are John and Mary. While the least common are Becky and Shaq.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a snake and Oregon map at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Oregon police arrested a man who tried to steal a two foot long python from a pet store from stuffing it down his pants. Yeah, said the man, “I’ll give you a hint about which snake in my pants is bigger. It’s the one that just bit my penis.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a truck and Virginia map at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A teenage girl in Virginia saved her father after he was trapped under a burning pickup truck and she lifted if off him. And that story has already been nominated for eight country music awards.