Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]Michael Che: At a rally Baden Rose this week, Donald Trump singed the hand of a toddler. The message sweetly and simply, “Deport me.”
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ted Cruz at left top corner.]Colin Jost: Just yesterday, Ted Cruz pulled a new campaign ad after it was revealed that a woman featured in the ad was a former softcore porn actress. And once you know she’s a porn actress, the guy’s entrance at the end of the ad is a lot more fun. Here it is.
[Cut to the ad]Woman: Maybe you should vote for more than just a pretty face next time.
[They are having a focus group meet] [A man walks in wearing Marco Rubio t-shirt]Man: You guys have room for one more?
[Cut to Colin Jost]Colin Jost: I’m beginning to think that started as a porno and then they just ended up talking about Ted Cruz. I mean, listen to it again with a music turned up.
[Cut to the ad]Woman: Maybe you should vote for more than just a pretty face next time.
[They are having a focus group meet] [A man walks in wearing Marco Rubio t-shirt] [porn music playing]Man: You guys have room for one more?
Ted Cruz: I’m Ted Cruz. And I approve this [dubbed in different voice] porno.
[Cut to Colin Jost]Colin Jost: All seamless voicover.
[Picture changes to North Korean flag]Us officials say that the satellite North Korea launched into orbit is tumbling and incapable of functioning. Earning it the nick name, Marco Rubio.
[Picture changes to Peyton Manning]Anheuser Busch is saying that Peyton Manning was not paid to say that he was going to say he wanted to drink a lot of Budweiser after the Super Bowl. And I guess it was just a coincidence that he left the field on a wagon drawn by clydesdales screaming, “Wazzaup?”
