Colin Jost
Michael Che
Flossy Dicky… Kate McKinnon
Vanessa Bayer
[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Pornhub logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: According to the adult website Pornhub, the searched for term in the 30 of the 50 states was lesbian. But keep in mind, Michael travels a lot. [Picture changes to Michael Che]
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Harry Reid at right top corner.]
Michael Che: [laughing] It’s lonely on the road. Senate minority leader Harry Reid said that the republican party has created a ‘Frankenstein Monster’ in Donald Trump. They’ve also created sort of a [Picture changes to Ted Cruz] fat dracula.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Colin Jost: And now new segment here on Weekend Update. News From the Future.
[News From the Future intro]
Male voice: News from the future.
[Cut to Future in the dressing room]
Future: [looks at the camera after a while] I told you I didn’t want to do this. Get out of here. What you all doing?
[News From the Future outro]
Male voice: This is been News from the future.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Irish flag, cocaine and a Christian cross at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A catholic priest in Ireland was caught on video snorting cocaine in a room adorn with Nazi symbols. Okay, but show me where in the bible, it says you can’t do that?
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Michael Che: You know, last week a woman named Flossy Dicky turned 110 years old, making her the oldest woman in the state of Washington.
Colin Jost: That’s right. So we sent our own Vanessa Bayer to Spokane to give the birthday girl our best wishes. Hi, Vanessa.
[Cut to Vanessa and Flossy]
Vanessa: Hi, Colin and Michael. She has lived through the sinking of the Titanic, the depression and two world wars. And feisty, Flossy Dicky is still going strong. Flossy, how are you feeling on your big day?
Flossy: I am tired.
Vanessa: I bet. And what are you gonna do to ring in 110?
Flossy: Take a nap.
Vanessa: Yes. Who doesn’t love a good nap? I bet you’ve wrecked up a lot of crazy stories. Can you tell us one?
[Flossy doesn’t speak]
[Vaness laughing]
I guess some stories are best left untold. Back to you Colin and Michael.
[Cut to split screen]
Colin Jost: Actually, we aren’t quite done yet, Vanessa.
Vanessa: Oh, no?
Michael Che: No, no, no. We heard that Flossy still has a few things left on her bucket list. Can you ask her about them?
Vanessa: Sure, Michael. Flossy, your nurses told me one thing you still want to do is ride in a red lamborghini. Is that true Flossy?
[Flossy doesn’t speak]
Do you want a ride in a red lamborghini, Flossy?
[Flossy doesn’t speak]
Is that what you want? To ride around in a red lamborghini?
[Flossy doesn’t speak]
A bright red lamborghini, Flossy. Is that what you want to ride in?
Flossy: Leave this place.
Vanessa: Well, you heard the woman. Back to you guys. And don’t come back to me.
[Cut to split screen]
Colin Jost: Actually Vanessa, could you just ask her what is the key to living a long life?
Vanessa: She’s not gonna answer. Flossy, what is the key to living a long life?
[Flossy doesn’t speak]
Well, I guess the girl has to have her secrets. And I’m going to tell Flossy one of my own right now.
[Vanessa whisper’s at Flossy’s ears]
Flossy: She cussed at me. She said I’m ruining this.
Vanessa: No I didn’t. Back to you guys. And if you cut back to me, I swear I’m going to say the N word.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Vanessa!
Colin Jost: Flossy Dicky and Vanessa Bayer everyone. Thank you.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a monkey at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Scientists have designed a new device that allows monkeys to control a wheelchair with their mind. And you can read all about in this week’s issue of…”But Why Tho?”
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a police car at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: New York City officials have ruled that beginning Monday, they will stop arresting people who urinate and consume alcohol in public. The ruling is more commonly known as “Elmo’s law”.
[Picture changes to Jared Fogle]
You’ll love this one. After just three months in prison, former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle has already gained thirty pounds. But that’s what happens when your portions stop being child size. Oh, I’m the bad guy.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cat at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Yeah. [Colin laughing] A Florida woman found a missing cat from Wisconsin which had wandered nearly 1500 miles over two months. Or, and hear me out, sometimes cats look like other cats.
