Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of map of Maine at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A seafood whole-seller in Maine has acquired a rare four-clawed lobster. And in other news, a woman’s dog has been missing since Halloween. [Picture changes to a dog wearing a lobster costume.]
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Peyton Manning at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Peyton Manning announced his retirement from football this week. Explained Manning, “I’d rather not get brain damage.”
[Picture changes to MTA bus]
New York’s MTA has unveiled new high-tech city buses that feature USB ports. As in, “Hey, on the bus today I saw a guy put his penis in the USB port.”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dos Equis beer logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The makers of the beer Dos Equis announced that they are retiring their famous most interesting man in the world ad campaign. He will now go back to his original name, “Greg the lying alcoholic”.
[Picture changes to a calendar marking March 2016]
March is women’s history month. So ladies, that cake is not gonna bake itself. Before you ladies get angry and send a bunch of messages about how sexist that joke is, let me just remind you… to finish baking that cake. Colin!
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitt Romney at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: What? Don’t throw it to me. Happy birthday to Mitt Romney who today turned 69. Which for Mormons is a sin.
[Picture changes to $ sign]
A new study suggest that heavier women get paid less than thinner women. That is unless Che is at the strip club.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Brazilian flag and a penguin at right top corner.]
Michael Che: And they say black guys don’t tip. A man in Brazil says that a penguin he rescued five years ago swims more than 5000 miles every year just to visit him. That’s how good the sex is.
