Colin Jost
MIchael Che
[Starts with MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Nike Air Jordan at right top corner.]MIchael Che: Nike has announced that it’ll start testing a large scale 3D printer to make Air Jordans. The way it works is that the printer actually makes little Malaysian kids.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people in line at left top corner.]Colin Jost: A number of airports around the country are trying to reliever the stress caused by long security lines by hiring clowns to entertain travelers. Because nothing puts you at ease like a clown whispering, “Have a safe flight.”
[picture changes to Facebook logo and a mobile phone.]A man streamed the birth of his son live on Facebook and has been more than 50,000 times. [picture changes to MIchael Che using a computer.] Weirdly all by Che.
[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Burger King logo and a spa at left top corner.]MIchael Che: A Burger King in Finland has opened a world’s first fast food store in a spa. So yea, you’re going to fart during that massage.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of calendar at left top corner.]Colin Jost: This Thursday was National Hepatitis Testing Day. And good news, I got an A.
[Cut to Colin Jost and MIchael Che]MIchael Che: Why are you smiling?
Colin Jost: Last year I got a C. Anyway, this is the last episode of the season and there were lots of jokes we wrote this year and some of them were little too harsh to do on air.
MIchael Che: But we decided that since its the end of the year, why don’t we just do some of the, right? I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? They fire Colin?
Colin Jost: What? [looking around]
MIchael Che: So, here’s the first one.
[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of a football field and a helmet at right top corner.]A high school student in Arizona was arrested after it was discovered that he exposed his penis in a football team picture. The yearbook staff knew something was off with the picture when they noticed that there was one extra helmet.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a school at left top corner.]Colin Jost: A Muslim student in a high school in California was upset after the school yearbook falsely printed her name as ISIS. While the yearbook also mistakenly identified their only Asian student as [Picture changes to a picture of an asian student with name ‘Kung Fu Panda’] Kung Fu Panda.
[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Khloe Kardashian at right top corner.]MIchael Che: Khloe Kardashian revealed that she recorded a sex tape with her now ex husband, Lamar Odem. If you want a preview of what the sex tape looks like, just watch Kim sex tape in a funhouse mirror.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of cartoon Lucky Charms at left top corner.]Colin Jost: The actor who provided the voice of the Lucky Charms Leprechaun died this week at the age of 93, after his tumor turned out to be [singing] magically malignant.
MIchael Che: I don’t know what’s wrong with that one. A 70 year old woman in India has given birth to her first child. Doctors described the birth as, “Like pulling a penny out of a wad of gum.”
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Subway logo and Jared Fogle at left top corner.]Colin Jost: And finally, former Subway sandwich spokesman Jared Fogle who pleaded guilty to having sex with minors was sentenced to Colin Jost5 years in prison. And good news for Jared cell mate, Jared has a ton of experience eating the same thing everyday for Colin Jost5 years.
[Cut to MIchael Che.]MIchael Che: Who do you feel sorry for?
