Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Caitlyn Jenner at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: It was rumored that former Olympian Caitlyn Jenner was set to appear nude on an upcoming cover of Sports Illustrated. It’s the kind of brave bold choice that makes me think, “I shouldn’t have gotten my grandpa that subscription.”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an elephant at right top corner.]
Michael Che: This past weekend marked the final appearance of elephants in the Ringling Brothers & Barnum Bailey circus. The elephants will be sent to an animal sanctuary which is a lot nicer than where they send their retired clowns. [Picture changes to a garbage container full of clowns.] That’s why I never met an ex clown.
[Picture changes to Beyonce and Jay-Z]
Insiders are saying that Jay-Z is now working on his own album that is a response to Beyonce’s new album Lemonade. Because the one thing you should always do when your girl is pissed off at you is try to get the last word.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul LePage at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Maine governor Paul LePage who has a reputation for voting a vetoing legislation has named his new dog “Veto”. Sort of like how Hillary Clinton [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] named her new dog ‘Redacted due to ongoing congressional investigation’. Catchy.
[Picture changes to 2016 Rio Olympic logo]
The 2016 Olympic torch arrived this week in Brazil where runners will begin their relay race to Rio wearing the country’s official Olympic uniform. [Picture changes to a person carrying the Olympic torch who is wearing a yellow protective suit.] I mean Brazil, what’s going on? The stadiums aren’t finished. The water is poisoned. Your president just got impeached. And instead of giving out medals, they’re giving out zika virus. I think Brazil has to deal with this whole mess the Brazilian way. Just tear it all out by the roots and start over again, nice and smooth. Maybe just leave a little landing strip so people can fly in and out. Anyway, happy Mother’s Day.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of handcuffs at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A new study finds that the most common names of male criminals are Juan and Jeremy. Which is very bad news for famed Mexican porn star, Juan Jeremy.
[The End]
