Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of athletes kneeling at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Many black athletes have come under fire for following Colin Kaepernick’s lead in kneeling during the National anthem.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah, but I don’t understand that.

Colin Jost: What?

Michael Che: If the national anthem was so important, how did they know somebody was kneeling? How did they even notice? That’s how boring national anthem is. Halfway through it, you’re looking around the stadium like, “I wonder what the backup quarterback for the 49 is up to.” I don’t get it.

Colin Jost: I love the national anthem. You know?

Michael Che: Of course you do. You’re white.

Colin Jost: No, no. I’m saying I like it coz it’s the only song I can dance to. [Michael Che laughing] No, it just has choreography white people can handle. [Colin Jost puts his hand on chest and lower it repeatedly.] Just like the step one of the Macarena. You know?

Michael Che: How are you single? [Cut to Michael Che] It’s mostly white guys that are upset, you know? And I can understand why white guys love the national anthem so much. Because this country has always been great for white guys. You absolutely should defend the national anthem. If I was white, I’d always defend the national anthem. I expect white guys to defend the national anthem like I expected Phylicia Rashād to defend Bill Cosby. I’m sure when people were protesting the Cosby show, Clay Huskin was like, “I don’t know what he did to y’all, but the nigga made me rich.” And I’m sure it’s an inconvenient time to bring up such a heavy issue during a football game, but it’s a protest. It’s supposed to be inconvenient. That’s the whole point of a protest. It’s just like you at home and your girl’s mad at you and you just want to unwind and watch the game and she walks right in front of the TV and stands there and goes, “We need to talk.” And you’re like, “Now? The game’s on.” And she goes, “Honey, you shot another kid?” That’s what Kaepernick’s doing. [Colin Jost laughing] Besides, listen, Kaepernick is not the only one trying to raise awareness during the football game for sad cause. They’re turning uniforms pink for breast cancer tomorrow and nobody is upset about that. I bet if the police went around shooting unarmed boobies, everybody would take a knee.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Thoughts?

Colin Jost: [laughing] I think you just said unarmed boobies.

Michael Che: Well, yeah.

Colin Jost: [laughing] On the lighter side of things, [Michael Che laughing] now, once again weekend update presents…

Michael Che: [laughing] TheWeeknd Update.

[Cut to TheWeeknd Update video bumper.]

Announcer: TheWeeknd Update.

[Cut to TheWeeknd in his dressing room]

TheWeeknd: [looks at the camera] I got a haircut.

[Cut to TheWeeknd Update video bumper.]

Announcer: This has been the Weeknd Update.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a museum at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The national museum of African American History opened on the Washington Mall this week and it gives a detailed account of black history in the US. Or for a different version of black history, give my grandpa a scotch.

[Colin Jost takes a deep breath]

Michael Che: On, now you on my side? [Colin Jost laughing]

[Picture changes to a spider and Australian flag.]

Colin Jost: A man in Australia has been bitten by a venomous spider on his penis for the second time in five months. “Fool me once”, said the guy who had to suck out the poison.

[Michael Che laughing]