Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a python at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Police in Florida arrested a man who tried to steal a baby python from a pet store by stuffing down his pants. But it’s not what you think. The man was just using the python to get rid of that gerbil in his ass.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chinese flag and caduceus at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: It’s a good idea. A boy in China has been born with 31 fingers and toes. So, it’s safe to say he’s gonna be pretty good at math.
Michael Che: it’s safe to say it.
Colin Jost: [laughing] Some fans of the movie Frozen [picture changes to Elsa from the movie Frozen] have launched a hashtag campaign to get Disney to turn the character Elsa into a lesbian. While other fans have already done that [pointing to his brain] up here. And if this campaign works, it would make Elsa Disney’s first lesbian character… since I’m gonna say Ursula? [Picture changes to the Disney character Ursula] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Puerto Rican flag at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A report shows that Puerto Ricans are moving off the island in record numbers with an average of 230 leaving Puerto Rico a day. And somehow they all moved into the apartment above me.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Christian cross and Philadelphia map at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A Philadelphia man who carries a cross and calls himself Jesus was arrested for trespassing. The man played not guilty to trespassing and also forgave those who trespassed against him. Christian![Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cover photo of the movie Glory at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A teacher in Utah violated policy when he used the N word before showing his 8th grade class the civil war movie ‘Glory’. The teacher apologized explaining that at the time, he just couldn’t remember Denzel Washington’s name.