Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson
Shaquille O’Neal… Jay Pharoah
Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: It was a historic week in NBA. The Golden State Warriors set a record with 73 wins. Kobe Bryant retired after 20 seasons. And the NBA playoff started today. Here to give their takes are Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal.[1 and Shaquille O’Neal slide in]
Charles Barkley: How are you doing, Michael? Wow, big year for the NBA.
Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq like beard. Real beard. Big more than little.
Michael Che: Okay, so Kobe Bryant had an incredible last game. He’s 37 years old and scored 60 points.
Charles Barkley: Yeah. But it took 50 shots. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] That’s like putting a chip on every single number in a roulette board. You’re bound to win once, unless you’re me, and you bet it all on number twe-ive.[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]
Michael Che: Twe-ive? That’s not a number.
Charles Barkley: Oh, man. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] Too bad you don’t work at the counter.
Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq will still play. Shaq can win a championship. With Kobe.
Charles Barkley: No, you could not, Shaq. Look at you. It’s like you’re having a staring contest with yourself. [pulling three fingers out] How many fingers am I holding out?
Shaquille O’Neal: 44.
Charles Barkley: Damn. There must have been a gas leak in your home for the past 10 years.[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]
Michael Che: Now, what do you think Kobe is gonna do now?
Charles Barkley: Oh, there’s lots of things a retired player can do. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] You can do commercials. Like, Shaq is a spokesman for ‘I say hot’.
Shaquille O’Neal: Hmm, it’s delicious. I put it on Texas toast. Toast is warm and cool at the same time.
Charles Barkley: Dammit Shaq! I think blood tried to flow all the way up to your brain but then gets too tired, just hangs out on your shoulders as say, “We’ll try again tomorrow.”[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]
Look Michael, you gotta be careful with your money after you retire. Last week, I bet somebody a $100,000 that I could eat 10 hamburgers and I couldn’t do it.
Michael Che: Why would you even think you could do that?
Charles Barkley: Because few minutes before I made that bet, I ate 10 hamburgers.
Shaquille O’Neal: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Charles Barkley: What you laughing at?
Shaquille O’Neal: Because I got a joke. Listen. A horse walked into a bar.[silence]
Charles Barkley: Then what?
Shaquille O’Neal: It’s funny. A horse shouldn’t be in a bar. it don’t have no ID.
Charles Barkley: Why couldn’t I have picked Michael Jordan to be my life companion? Put yourself together, Shaq. You got twe-ive kids.[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]
Michael Che: Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal, everybody.
Charles Barkley: Anybody wants 10 hamburgers?