Weekend Update David Ortiz on Yankee Stadium


Colin Jost

David Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, this week, Red Sox Slugger David Ortiz played his final series against the New York Yankees. Here to talk about it is Big Poppy himself, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in] [cheers and applause]

David Ortiz: Yay! Yay! Yay! Wow! Ke pasa contigo el, Jost.

Colin Jost: Hey, you know, mas o menos yuste?

David Ortiz: Shut up. Man, we already gotta deal with the team cane, man!

Colin Jost: That’s fair. Now Big Poppy, what do you think you’ll miss most about playing at Yankee stadium?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: You know, out of all the things if I had to pick one thing, I’ll probably say lunch.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You’ll miss lunch?

David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s right, man. Big Stadium got a big lunch. You ever eat at the Yankee Stadium Jost?

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: Man, they got mofongo, pechuga frita, sobade es spaghetti, e hochadogo hamo. It’s like a sweet milky ham drink.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: My god.

David Ortiz: Yeah, man.

Colin Jost: It’s delicious. Yeah. Now, I heard the Yankees also gave you kind of a farewell present.

David Ortiz: Oh, that’s right man. Mariano Rivera gave me a tiny box. I open it up, big lunch. [Cut to David Ortiz] Inside there was mofongo, ado comfeti tale, chi cha londe beef steak, ewasa kaka cokeso frito, and then instead of playing baseball, everybody take a big nap. Yeah, the fans were no happy.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No. And do you know what you’re going to do at the end of the season?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah bro. I endorsements.

Colin Jost: What? Like, you do endorsements?

David Ortiz: No, no, no, no. I endorse mints. [Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz. There’s a big ‘Mints’ written at the bottom.] Mints. You want your breath to be acceptable for 15 minutes? Reach for mints. It’s like brushing your teeth but with sugar. 5 out of 5 dentists say, “Oh-oh!” With Mints. Yeah.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So that’s just like a general ad for mints?

David Ortiz: Oh, I guess so. But I do specific brands too.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Okay.

[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: Yeah. Did you like Pepsi but you hate how sanitary it is? Then reach for Hepsi. [logo of Hepsi appears at the bottom of the screen] It’s the only soda pop that’s also a liquid acidity. So when people ask, “You got Hep?”, yo can tell them ,”Si.” With Hepsi.  Yay! Yay!

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

And you know, I got a new transportation app too, man.

Colin Jost: A transportation app?

David Ortiz: That’s right. It’s called Lift.

[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz. There’s a logo of Lift at the bottom of the screen]

Do you need to go somewhere? Lift your ass off the couch and walk, man! Coz I’m not driving you.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, that’s an app?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro! But I know what you’re thinking. What if I can’t get direction? Yes? Yes?

Colin Jost: Um, no. I was not thinking that. No.

David Ortiz: Well, then you should try SeeAlice.

Colin Jost: SeeAlice?

[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz.]

David Ortiz: Do you need a little extra fat on your back? Go see Alice.

[SeeAlice logo appears at the bottom of the screen.]

Yeah. It’s a girl Alice that I know, man. She’s very pretty. And if she can’t get you aroused, I think it’s broke, bro!

Colin Jost: Big Poppy, everyone.

David Ortiz: Yeah, you better miss me, Yankees.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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