David Ortiz… Kenan Thompson[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Well, this week, Red Sox Slugger David Ortiz played his final series against the New York Yankees. Here to talk about it is Big Poppy himself, David Ortiz.[David Ortiz slides in] [cheers and applause]
David Ortiz: Yay! Yay! Yay! Wow! Ke pasa contigo el, Jost.
Colin Jost: Hey, you know, mas o menos yuste?
David Ortiz: Shut up. Man, we already gotta deal with the team cane, man!
Colin Jost: That’s fair. Now Big Poppy, what do you think you’ll miss most about playing at Yankee stadium?[Cut to David Ortiz]
David Ortiz: You know, out of all the things if I had to pick one thing, I’ll probably say lunch.[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: You’ll miss lunch?
David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s right, man. Big Stadium got a big lunch. You ever eat at the Yankee Stadium Jost?
Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah.[Cut to David Ortiz]
David Ortiz: Man, they got mofongo, pechuga frita, sobade es spaghetti, e hochadogo hamo. It’s like a sweet milky ham drink.[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: My god.
David Ortiz: Yeah, man.
Colin Jost: It’s delicious. Yeah. Now, I heard the Yankees also gave you kind of a farewell present.
David Ortiz: Oh, that’s right man. Mariano Rivera gave me a tiny box. I open it up, big lunch. [Cut to David Ortiz] Inside there was mofongo, ado comfeti tale, chi cha londe beef steak, ewasa kaka cokeso frito, and then instead of playing baseball, everybody take a big nap. Yeah, the fans were no happy.[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: No. And do you know what you’re going to do at the end of the season?
David Ortiz: Oh, yeah bro. I endorsements.
Colin Jost: What? Like, you do endorsements?
David Ortiz: No, no, no, no. I endorse mints. [Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz. There’s a big ‘Mints’ written at the bottom.] Mints. You want your breath to be acceptable for 15 minutes? Reach for mints. It’s like brushing your teeth but with sugar. 5 out of 5 dentists say, “Oh-oh!” With Mints. Yeah.[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: So that’s just like a general ad for mints?
David Ortiz: Oh, I guess so. But I do specific brands too.
Colin Jost: Yeah. Okay.[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz]
David Ortiz: Yeah. Did you like Pepsi but you hate how sanitary it is? Then reach for Hepsi. [logo of Hepsi appears at the bottom of the screen] It’s the only soda pop that’s also a liquid acidity. So when people ask, “You got Hep?”, yo can tell them ,”Si.” With Hepsi. Yay! Yay![Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]
And you know, I got a new transportation app too, man.
Colin Jost: A transportation app?
David Ortiz: That’s right. It’s called Lift.[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz. There’s a logo of Lift at the bottom of the screen]
Do you need to go somewhere? Lift your ass off the couch and walk, man! Coz I’m not driving you.[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Wait, that’s an app?
David Ortiz: Yeah, bro! But I know what you’re thinking. What if I can’t get direction? Yes? Yes?
Colin Jost: Um, no. I was not thinking that. No.
David Ortiz: Well, then you should try SeeAlice.
Colin Jost: SeeAlice?[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz.]
David Ortiz: Do you need a little extra fat on your back? Go see Alice.[SeeAlice logo appears at the bottom of the screen.]
Yeah. It’s a girl Alice that I know, man. She’s very pretty. And if she can’t get you aroused, I think it’s broke, bro!
Colin Jost: Big Poppy, everyone.
David Ortiz: Yeah, you better miss me, Yankees.
Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.