Colin Jost
Dilma Rousseff… Maya Rudolph
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]Colin Jost: This week, Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff was ousted from office and faces impeachment for committing budget fraud. Here to comment is president Dilma Rousseff.
[Dilma Rousseff slides in with a cigar in one hand and a cocktail in another.] [cheers and applause]Dilma Rousseff. Bien Bonitos.
Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language] Thank you for calling me.
Colin Jost: Well, I gotta say. You seem pretty upbeat for somebody who just got kicked out of office.
Dilma Rousseff: Oh, Colin Ju. I feel great. It’s my retirement. Now I go in big vacation. Cheers.
Colin Jost: Wait. It was an impeachment. It’s not your retirement.
Dilma Rousseff: Ah! You say potutu, I say potata. [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] In Brazil, we have much bigger problem than impeachment. Okay? Our economy is major [foreign language] Our rivers are full of poison from the human dookies. We have [foreign language] in all the little, how do you you say this? Um… [foreign language] Pakotako.
Colin Jost: Worse. No, I think it’s mosquito.
Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language]
Colin Jost: I think it’s the same in Portuguese. Mos–
Dilma Rousseff: Moskeiter.
Colin Jost: So, President Rousseff.
Dilma Rousseff: No-ah-ah! I am not a presidente anymore, Colind Jus. Now you can call me by my beautiful first name Dilma.
Colin Jost: Okay then. Dilma.
Dilma Rousseff: No, no. [with accent] Dilma. Like your tongue is mad at the rest of your mouth. Say like this. Dilma.
Colin Jost: Dilma
Dilma Rousseff: You are not good at it. But you know what? You are very cute like a juicy baby. Who is your young friend?
Colin Jost: Oh, that’s Michael. Yes.
Dilma Rousseff: Michael Che!
[Cut to Michael Che waving and laughing] [Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]Dilma Rousseff: Coline Ju, do you like my hair?
Colin Jost: Your hair is beautiful.
Dilma Rousseff: Thank you, [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] because I go to the barber and I say, “Hey guys, give me the new Rue Mcclanahan.”
[Picture of Rue Mcclanahan appears and they look the same.] [Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]Colin Jost: Oh. It’s great.
Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language]
Colin Jost: Very nice. Could you just explain why your government wants to impeach you?
Dilma Rousseff: It’s same. The budget had a hole. I cook the book to hide the hole. Now everybody say, “Take a hike. You are [unintelligible] presidente.” But for me its no problem. I go to the beach, okay? I make relax. I drink, [foreign language].
Colin Jost: Now hold on. Are you concerned with everything that’s going on in Brazil? Do you think you’re prepared for Rio to host the Olympics in just two months?
[Cut to Dilma Rousseff]Dilma Rousseff: Umm…. [thinking] Nah! But we only have one or two thing left to do. Such take 1 million poo-poos out of the river and build all the buildings.
[Cut to Dilma Rousseff and Colin Jost]Colin Jost: Wait, hold on. You haven’t built any of the buildings yet?
Dilma Rousseff: It’s good, Colin. It’s fine, juicy baby. It’s fine. [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] It’s what you call B-Y-O-B. Right? Right Che? Bring your own buildings.
[Cut to Dilma Rousseff and Colin Jost]Colin Jost: Okay.
Dilma Rousseff: Now, everybody samba. Un, dos, tres.
[drums playing] [Dilma Rousseff starts whisteling]Colin Jost: Dilma Rousseff everyone.
