Weekend Update Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with on the 2016 Election

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Michael Che

The Girl… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With the election only two weeks away, both candidates are trying to get a final message out there to their supporters. Here with her final thoughts in this election is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with a party.

[The Girl slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]

The Girl: Wow! Hello, Michael Che. Thanks for finally letting a woman on late night TV.

Michael Che: So, I assume you’re not happy with the election.

The Girl: Here’s a thought, Michael. Maybe try being woke for a change, okay? Coz, um, Kevin can wait but Syrian referees can’t, okay? A news flash, Michael! 40% of children are just their legs. And that’s according to doctors, Michael Che!

Michael Che: Yeah, okay, can you just please tell us about the candidates?

The Girl: Please, do not man-terrupt me when I’m wo-making a point, Michael! This election is a misgrace, okay? This is a colastamy, Micahel Che. And I’m sorry, if I can play double’s abacus for just a second, [Cut to The Girl] and if we all know the real reason Julian Assange is in jail, and that’s coz she’s a woman. Do you even know what women have to do when we go vote, Michael? We have to show our IUD. I’m sorry, that’s outrageous. That’s called the bubble standard! [Cut to Michael Che and The Girl] You know what I have to say to that?

Michael Che: What?

The Girl: Baaa! Baaa! Baaa!

Michael Che: What are you doing?

The Girl: That’s the impression of you.

Michael Che: Okay.

The Girl: Coz you’re a sheep-ball.

Michael Che: Jesus!

The Girl: Quick, who are you going for as Halloween?

Michael Che: I don’t really dress–

The Girl: [interrupting] I’m going as justice. David Justice.

Michael Che: The baseball player?

The Girl: Wow! So all black guys are just athletes to you?

Michael Che: No, he played baseball.

The Girl: No Michael, you just played yourself.

Michael Che: Oh, my god!

The Girl: [looking away] Sis!

Michael Che: What? Is your sister here?

The Girl: No. I’m calling out sis gendered people out there. [The Girl is using her phone] I’m serious Michael, I need to go to Cuba so bad before white people ruin it.

Michael Che: Alright, you haven’t said anything about the election. Can you just at least tell me who you’re voting for?

The Girl: How dare you? That’s called voter-insemination, what you’re doing. I’m sorry. My friend’s vlogs were right about you.

Michael Che: Alright.

The Girl: You know what? Fine! You know what? Maybe I should just tell a joke instead, right? Since that’s what this whole election is anyway.

Michael Che: Fine! Tell us a joke.

The Girl: Knock, knock.

Michael Che: Who’s there?

The Girl: Interrupting polar bear.

Michael Che: Interrupting po–

The Girl: [interrupting] It’s too late! Global warning already killed him. Now he stinked!

Michael Che: He stinked?

The Girl: Yeah, that’s right. He stinked. So why don’t you just call me Samsung Galaxy? Coz I just blew your mind up!

Michael Che: [laughing] Girl at a party, everyone!

The Girl: Free El Chipo!

Michael Che: It’s El Chapo! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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