The Girl… Cecily Strong[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: With the election only two weeks away, both candidates are trying to get a final message out there to their supporters. Here with her final thoughts in this election is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with a party.[The Girl slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]
The Girl: Wow! Hello, Michael Che. Thanks for finally letting a woman on late night TV.
Michael Che: So, I assume you’re not happy with the election.
The Girl: Here’s a thought, Michael. Maybe try being woke for a change, okay? Coz, um, Kevin can wait but Syrian referees can’t, okay? A news flash, Michael! 40% of children are just their legs. And that’s according to doctors, Michael Che!
Michael Che: Yeah, okay, can you just please tell us about the candidates?
The Girl: Please, do not man-terrupt me when I’m wo-making a point, Michael! This election is a misgrace, okay? This is a colastamy, Micahel Che. And I’m sorry, if I can play double’s abacus for just a second, [Cut to The Girl] and if we all know the real reason Julian Assange is in jail, and that’s coz she’s a woman. Do you even know what women have to do when we go vote, Michael? We have to show our IUD. I’m sorry, that’s outrageous. That’s called the bubble standard! [Cut to Michael Che and The Girl] You know what I have to say to that?
Michael Che: What?
The Girl: Baaa! Baaa! Baaa!
Michael Che: What are you doing?
The Girl: That’s the impression of you.
Michael Che: Okay.
The Girl: Coz you’re a sheep-ball.
Michael Che: Jesus!
The Girl: Quick, who are you going for as Halloween?
Michael Che: I don’t really dress–
The Girl: [interrupting] I’m going as justice. David Justice.
Michael Che: The baseball player?
The Girl: Wow! So all black guys are just athletes to you?
Michael Che: No, he played baseball.
The Girl: No Michael, you just played yourself.
Michael Che: Oh, my god!
The Girl: [looking away] Sis!
Michael Che: What? Is your sister here?
The Girl: No. I’m calling out sis gendered people out there. [The Girl is using her phone] I’m serious Michael, I need to go to Cuba so bad before white people ruin it.
Michael Che: Alright, you haven’t said anything about the election. Can you just at least tell me who you’re voting for?
The Girl: How dare you? That’s called voter-insemination, what you’re doing. I’m sorry. My friend’s vlogs were right about you.
Michael Che: Alright.
The Girl: You know what? Fine! You know what? Maybe I should just tell a joke instead, right? Since that’s what this whole election is anyway.
Michael Che: Fine! Tell us a joke.
The Girl: Knock, knock.
Michael Che: Who’s there?
The Girl: Interrupting polar bear.
Michael Che: Interrupting po–
The Girl: [interrupting] It’s too late! Global warning already killed him. Now he stinked!
Michael Che: He stinked?
The Girl: Yeah, that’s right. He stinked. So why don’t you just call me Samsung Galaxy? Coz I just blew your mind up!
Michael Che: [laughing] Girl at a party, everyone!
The Girl: Free El Chipo!
Michael Che: It’s El Chapo! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.