Jay Pharoah
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]Michael Che: Beyonce made an album called ‘Lemonade’, which highlights Jay-Z’s infidelities. It’s rumored that Jay-Z sought out marital device at a secret rappers meeting. Here to talk more about it is our own Jay Farrow.
[Jay Pharoah slides in]Jay Pharoah: Wad up, Che?
Michael Che: So Jay, there’s a secret rappers meeting?
Jay Pharoah: Oh yeah, yeah. We meet up every three months in P Diddy’s above ground submarine.
Michael Che: Well, tell us what happened.
Jay Pharoah: Alright. Okay. So first Jay Z got right into to tell his side of the story. And he was like, [mimicking Jay-Z] “Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah. So definitely, you probably heard me and Beyonce are like beefing, right? Yo, I’m trying to sleep in and blues wine cellar. [laughing] What you want me to do? I’m sorry.” And then 50 cent started laughing. He was like, [mimicking 50 cent] “Ha-ha-ha-ha, a little something. Hey Jay, maybe you need to apologize just a little bit. Trust me, I’m Google. Women. I’ve got Vivica Fox eat my butt. Ha-ha-ha-ha.”
Michael Che: [laughing] 50 cent did that?
Jay Pharoah: Yeah, man. and then TI says, [mimicking TI] “Ay-ay-ay-ay, now hold on partner. Your Queen B has got to understand the impediment, hindrance and the obstacles of these pop tech in us circumstance.”
[mimicking DMX] “Yo! I don’t even know what TI said, you know? If it was a brother like me, somebody gotta ask your girl- what you really want from a –”And Lil’ Wayne was like, [mimicking Lil’ Wayne] “It’s ways F baby, Beyonce is a bitch, and you need to patch it. I have. I have. Yeah. Yeah. Ah!”
Colin Jost: Hey, were there any rappers I like? Like, you know, Will Smith?
Jay Pharoah: Yup! [mimicking Will Smith] Damn! That’s crazy. Insane! [clears throat] Check it out Miami. Wo-hoo!”
Colin Jost: Yup. I got mine. Son of a gun.
Michael Che: You fool. Were there any women there?
Jay Pharoah: Oh yeah, man. Yeah. Nicki Minaj was there. She was like, [mimicking Nicki Minaj] “Oh my God. Like, you know, Meek would never cheat on me. If he does, [yelling] THEN I’LL KILL HIM!”
And then Drake was like, [mimicking Drake] “I mean like, Oh yeah. I mean. Yeah, I need a one dance. I mean like, can we all just get along and just like, relax and all that. You know?”
[Drake slides in]Drake: Hold on. Wait. First of all, I don’t sound like that. So just relax.
Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] Yeah, bro. You do sound like that.
Drake: No, I don’t sound like that. You can’t even do my voice.
Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] Oh yeah. I can just do your voice.
Drake: You can’t do it.
Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] I’m doing it right now.
Drake: You don’t sound like me.
Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] Oh yeah. Say, “Oh, yeah.”
Drake: Oh, yeah.
[they sound the same] [Michael Che laughing hard]Michael Che: Jay Pharoah and Drake, ladies and gentlemen. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.
[The End]