Laura Parsin… Vanessa Bayer
Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: And now for our news castors of Tomorrow series, where we let kids read the news, tonight’s junior anchor is a twelve year old actress who’s in the up coming Nickelodeon movie ‘Study Break Tummy Egg’, please welcome Laura Parsin.[Laura slides in]
Laura: Hi Michael. What a thrill it is to be here. News,[singing] talking about news
live on the scene it’s 2016
Michael Che: That’s so adorable. So, are you gonna report some stories for us?
Laura: I’d love to. [Cut to Laura] This week, Mexican fugitive Al Capone was captured after a escaping from prison. You may remember that Al Capone is merciless drug lord who is convicted of selling millions of dollars worth of narcotics. Including marijuana, heroin and cocaine![Cut to Laura and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Alright, Laura, do you even know what cocaine is?[Cut to Laura]
Laura: Not exactly. But I think it’s a powder that makes your brain go, “I’m amazing”.
Michael Che: I guess that’s right. Look, Laura, don’t you have stories that are more fun or silly? You know?[Cut to Laura]
Laura: The Oregon men are mad because they ask for supplies but instead, people end them dildos![Cut to Laura an Michael Che]
Michael Che: Alright. Let’s just get away from news all together. How did you spend your holiday break?
Laura: Well, I watched a lot of TV.
Michael Che: Great! That’s great![Cut to Laura]
Laura: I loved the show Glee. It’s got wonderful singing and acting and dancing. Everyone in the cast is such a great role model for me. Except the guy who plays Puck, because he just got arrested for child pornography!
Michael Che: Laura!
Laura: Police found there were a thousand pictures of naked kids!
Michael Che: Okay! Laura, did anything good happen to anyone this week?
Laura: It sure did. Comedian Bill Cosby was released on bail.
Michael Che: Oh-oh. No!
Laura: He is so funny.
Michael Che: Laura, the case against Bill Cosby is very serious. I mean, do you even know what he did?
Laura: Um, I think so. [Cut to Laura] He gave some medicine to people even though they didn’t need the medicine.
Michael Che: That’s right. Laura Parsin, everybody!
Michael Che: You’re doing a great job. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.