Weekend Update Laura Parsons


Laura Parsons… Vanessa Bayer

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It’s time once again for our news casts of Tomorrow segment, where a lucky kid joins me to read the news. Tonight we have the young actress who is in the upcoming Nickelodeon movie ‘The Lunch Bunch Detectives’, here’s Laura Parsons.

[Laura slides in smiling]

Laura: Hello, Michael. It’s so great to be here.

[singing] News, talking about news
Hey, Michael Che, did you hear today,
it’s all in the news

Michael Che: That’s so sweet. So what’s going on in the world this week, Laura?

Laura: Well, Michael, looks like Donald Trump is going to become the republican nominee for president.

Michael Che: That’s right. And frankly, some people are very upset about that.

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: I’m not sure why. So many people like him. Like governor Rick Perry, Hulk Hogan, and [shouting] the KKK.

Michael Che: Okay. [Cut to Michael Che and Laura] Laura, do you know what the KKK is?

Laura: Um, little bit. I saw them on TV. [Cut to Laura] My mom says they wear their sheets all the time so they’re always ready for bad.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: Yes, that’s true.

Laura: [shouting] And they want everyone dead except whites.

Michael Che: Laura! I think that story is too adult for you.

Laura: Sorry Michael. [Cut to Laura] Like old man Cronkite used to say, “I don’t make the news. I just read it fellas.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: Okay, but Laura, don’t you have any stories that are more appropriate for you age group?

Laura: Oh, I know. Kids love apps. Personally, I love Candy Crush app. Sweet. [looks at Michael Che and smiles] [Cut to Laura] But studies have shown that apps like Tinder and Grindr have led to increased cases [shouting] of STDs.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: STDs? Where did you hear that?

Laura: I’m not sure. [Cut to Laura] I think STD stands for Seriously Terrible Dates, [screaming] because every one has herpes.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: Laura! Do you even know what herpes is?

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Sure do. It’s when your down stair says, “Ai-yai-yai.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: Okay, Laura, do you have any fun news?

Laura: How about this? KFC just released a nail polish that makes your fingers smell like chicken. Yum.

Michael Che: You see, now that’s a cute story.

Laura: Speaking of smelly fingers–

Michael Che: No! That’s enough. Thank you. You did a great job but I think it’s time for you to go.

Laura: Great job? Wow. Thanks Michael. [Cut to Laura] Guess I’m a hit.

[singing] And that’s in the news.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: Laura, everybody.

[The End]


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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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