Manwel… Kenan Thompson[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Valentine’s day has officially started right now and here to comment is our Leslie Jones.[Leslie Jones slides in]
Leslie Jones: Whoo! How y’all doing? Thanks for having me, Colin. Happy valentine’s day everybody.
Colin Jost: Happy valentine’s day Leslie. Are you having a good one? Are you having a good valentine’s day?
Leslie Jones: I am not you sexy miracle whip. I just wanna spread you on my sandwich. Listen, [Cut to Leslie Jones] I’m happy being single on valentine’s day because I know the perfect man is out there for me.[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. Well, they say there’s someone for everyone. Do you know what you’re looking for?
Leslie Jones: Absolutely. You want a list? [Cut to Leslie Jones] Let’s dim the lights. [The lights dim] Give me something smooth Manwel.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Who is Manwel?
Leslie Jones: He is my piano player.[Cut to Manwel playing piano]
Manwel: Ola.[Cut to Leslie Jones]
Leslie Jones: Take it away, Manwel. My perfect man is happy, kind, a good kisser but not wet. Don’t slob on me. Good breath. Treats me with respect. Tight ass. Considerate. I’m talking about an ass so tight, it can crack walnuts. I love walnuts. Good hair. Nice skin. Smells like an Israeli. [Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost] Have you ever smelled an Israeli?
Colin Jost: Definitely not. No.
Leslie Jones: [whispering] So good.
Generous. Punctual. Good size penis. One that is circumcised and functioning all the time. Big smile, which shouldn’t be a problem if your penis is functioning all the time. I wanna man who is confident. Likes flowers but don’t send me any flowers because I don’t life flowers. Flowers is death. You know how body decomposes and starts to stink? That’s what you sending me when you sending me flowers. Coz you done already cut them up and you sending to me coz they dead! And they stink of death. Death-fumes. I got a bag full of rotten garbage dead flowers. A bag full of death.[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: [putting his hand of Leslie’s shoulder] Are you okay, Leslie?
Leslie Jones: [looks at his hand touching her and smiles] I’m fine.[Cut to Leslie Jones]
Patient. [Colin laughing] Hate avocados. I need a man that talks dirty to me but not so dirty where I gotta give him this look. [makes faces] I want a man that’s loyal. Funny, but not funnier than me. And so far, that has not been problem. [Michael Che laughing] Smokes weed. Mom loves me but not enough where she wants to hang out with me, unless she smokes weed. I want a man who can grill a steak without having to cut into it and check if it’s cooked [looking at Colin] like a little bitch.[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Hey! How many steaks have you seen me cut?[Cut to Leslie Jones]
Leslie Jones: Completely despises avocados.
Colin Jost: Okay, wait! You already mentioned the avocados
Leslie Jones: Then clearly that is important to me Jost!
Colin Jost: I have to say Leslie, this is quite a list of demands.
Leslie Jones: Because these are the qualities that I admire about myself. Except for the part about the good sized penis. But make no mistake, that if I had a penis, it would be huge!
Colin Jost: [laughing] Leslie Jones, everybody!
Leslie Jones: Huge!
Colin Jost: Happy valentine’s day. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.