Weekend Update on a Stolen Pet-Sitting Van


Colin Jost

Michael che

[Starts with Michael che in his news set. There’s a picture of a van with a cartoon dog printed on it at right top corner.]

Michael che: [sigh] The owner of a pet sitting operation had his van stolen with 16 dogs still inside. Starring Kevin James.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kellogg’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Kellogg’s announced that it’s pulling it’s advertising from the Breitbarth website saying the Alt-right website does not align with their values as a company. But I don’t know. Kellogg’s makes Kashi Go-Lean crunch and that’s may be the widest product in history. [Michael che laughing] [picture changes to a phone]

A new app has launched that helps people boycott businesses owned by Donald Trump. The app’s called ‘Being Poor’.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of no smoking sign at right top corner.]

Michael che: The federal government has approved the plan that would ban smoking in public housing across the country which is a horrible idea. I mean, you know how stressful it is to live in the projects? I can tell you. It’s like prison. Except you didn’t do anything wrong and you can smoke in prison. How do you even plan on enforcing this law? You think a ghetto tipster’s going to call you like, “Yeah, this is Freddie, and I’d like to report a cigarette smoke act at crackhouse in 4B.” They’re saying it’s because cigarettes are a health risk but you know what else is a health risk? Living in the projects. Heating your apartment with an oven is a health risk. Letting a pitbull babysit your toddler is a health risk. Having a hospital bed in your living room is a health risk. But you know what? The worst health risk of all is? Getting evicted. Yeah. Coz that’s what’s gonna happen. They’re gonna renovate those buildings and them to millionaires and you know what they’re going to do in those buildings? Those millionaires? Coke!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Canadian flag and a police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I thought he was going to say smoke. But… Police in Canada will soon start making people caught drinking and driving listen to Nickelback. So, let that be a lesson to all you drunk drivers out there. Make sure that crash kills you.

Michael che: [laughing] Make sure?

Colin Jost: Make sure. [Picture changes to an ape] A new research shows that the pre-human Lucy probably lived in trees. So, either pre-humans were more ape-like than previously thought or that bitch cray!

[Michael Che laughing]

[laughing] The one before it.

Michael Che: You fell for it.

Colin Jost: Well, Che wrote that.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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